Transcripts | Trapped In The Cube

Episode eighteen:
Ugly Kids And Monkey Paw Wishes

Use the chapter headings and panels to navigate through the contents of the transcript.

Contents

Uncomfortable Introductions and Shaggy's Mysterious Curse (0:00)
Welcoming Our Special, Simultaneously Best and Worst Guest (2:14)
Dissecting the Minecraft Movie's Confusing Plot and Cast (5:11)
Unpacking Minecraft Movie's Lore, Logic, and Disappointing Climax (20:44)
From Doom to Desires: Shaggy's Cursed Billion-Pound Wishes (32:22)
Jack's Culinary, Cursed, and Sleep-Deprived Monkey Paw Wishes (48:11)
Mike's Heartfelt Desires Met with Monkey Paw's Cruelty (52:33)
Debating the Albatross's Role and Wrapping Up the Cube (55:23)

Uncomfortable Introductions and Shaggy's Mysterious Curse

0:00	Because we were in a situation where we were all part of the same group, I guess we were like, I could talk.
0:08	Speaker 2 To you I could a load of shit.
0:09	Speaker 1 Yeah, we were. I can talk to you. And then we we suppose I was like, that's just cool. Yeah. Tell me about your kids. Yeah, whatever.
0:15	Speaker 3 I can talk to these females like they're human beings.
0:19	Speaker 1 What I mean is like, we had a national invite to just go, hey, how are you, rather than going to a random stranger, Hey, how are you? It's different. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Because we have that invite of we're allowed to talk about, we're allowed to talk to these people.
0:38	Rather than that girl's heart. Sure, I talk to her.
0:44	Speaker 3 So what you're saying is you'd me there to go pointed it, hey.
0:48	Speaker 1 You know what? If you were there, it might be worse. Really. If you were there, it might have been like, OK, I feel like I shouldn't talk to any of these people because.
0:55	Speaker 3 You're pointing out because.
0:56	Speaker 1 You're making these women feel uncomfortable.
0:59	Speaker 3 They're all looking at those. Oh, sweaty.
1:00	Speaker 2 Brows, 'cause you Shaggy, for presenting another woman to me.
1:06	Speaker 1 A woman that we already know is here, by the way, because we're all friends with her already.
1:12	Speaker 3 Yeah, well, did you know that she's there?
1:14	Speaker 1 And you should. Yeah, we've got, we've got eyes.
1:17	Speaker 3 Well, you should talk to them.
1:18	Speaker 1 Yeah, and we were going to do it at some point.
1:20	Speaker 3 Oh, do it now, but you're a presenter. You ruined it by going.
1:24	Speaker 2 Hey, look, look. A woman.
1:26	Speaker 1 Pull away that one hour sign. It's not an hour yet.
1:32	Speaker 3 No, it's been.
1:34	Speaker 1 Nowhere nearby.
1:35	Speaker 3 That was the word I was looking for. That's been.
1:38	Speaker 1 Even come as much as I'd like, it's not now trusting a thing as much I'd like him to be a thing.
1:47	Speaker 2 It's such an such an unnecessary addition, I think to the case.
1:52	Speaker 1 I think it's good.
1:52	Speaker 3 For the law Trust.
1:53	Speaker 1 I think it's good for the law of the show.
1:56	Speaker 2 It's a curse, Shaggy, don't you? It's an absolute curse. It's a blight.
2:03	Speaker 1 He might turn up tonight, He's gonna turn up tonight and we're all gonna agree with it. He just find the noises that I make for him, the noises that he actually like exudes.

Welcoming Our Special, Simultaneously Best and Worst Guest

2:14 Speaker 3 He exudes. 2:14 Welcoming Our Special, Simultaneously Best and Worst Guest Anyway, welcome to another sort of chance of the queue. 2:17 Speaker 1 I'm not, I am Mike. We are joined with a very special guest this evening. 2:26 Speaker 2 We are Mike, we are Mike and Jack and we also. 2:30 Speaker 3 Shaggy. 2:41 Speaker 2 Yeah, Shaggy Shaggy's with us. 2:43 Speaker 1 That's his name. Don't worry though. 2:45 Speaker 2 Yeah, don't ever say it again. Again. 2:48 Speaker 3 3 or 4 uses Max. 2:51 Speaker 1 Yeah, stop mentioning. 2:52 Speaker 3 Before I forget, before I forget re rubbers. 2:55 Speaker 1 Stop talking about him. Stop it. Yeah, he's here. We've mentioned him many times during all of episodes, I think. But he's here in person, physically this time. 3:10 We've done a couple of episodes where he's not the albatross got involved in the He didn't like those episodes. The Albatross stopped us from producing those episodes, so we can't talk about them. 3:25 But he's here tonight. He's here as a guest, a good guest. 3:30 Speaker 3 As opposed to those best bad guests that you have. 3:33 Speaker 1 We've not had a bad guest yet. You could be the first. 3:36 Speaker 2 Oh no, Oh no, you could also be the best so far. 3:43 Speaker 1 He's even going to be the best of the worst. 3:45 Speaker 3 Probably the best guest he would be. 3:47 Speaker 2 Simultaneously the best and the worst, wouldn't he? 3:50 Speaker 1 The best, all the worst is. 3:51 Speaker 2 Todd Ideal, the guest. 3:53 Speaker 1 True so. 3:54 Speaker 2 He's both. I'm the best. 3:56 Speaker 3 Worst Guest. 3:57 Speaker 1 Currently, he's the best and the worst. 3:59 Speaker 2 Yeah. 4:00 Speaker 1 Depending on how this episode's perceived, we don't know yet. Schrodinger's Guest. 4:07 Speaker 3 Oh my gosh, the best. Worst. 4:11 Speaker 1 Guest Schrodinger's best. 4:13 Speaker 2 Within due time he will be addressed as such, but. 4:17 Speaker 1 You have a fan base better than mine and Jax. Oh God, bring that fucking hot piece of ass back. Oh my God, bring back shagging. 4:27 Speaker 3 Bring back those dulcet tones. 4:29 Speaker 1 And everyone's like Shaggy, Shaggy. All the women are like creaming of it. Shaggy, Shaggy. 4:35 Speaker 2 Screaming. 4:36 Speaker 1 Exactly. 4:36 Speaker 3 I love his monotone voice that he brings to the show. 4:40 Speaker 1 Well, as opposed to the Microsoft voice that you just brought to the show? 4:44 Speaker 2 Yeah, that's what I said. That's that's what he's getting at. People love him for his singular notes. He's coming. 4:53 Speaker 1 Don't sit, tone. 4:58 Speaker 2 Yeah, that's AG minor, I think. Nothing was. That's what they call me. 5:04 Speaker 1 So I would say it with Shaggy Bean, I guess we'll say, have you been playing?

Dissecting the Minecraft Movie's Confusing Plot and Cast

5:11 Have you been reading? Have you watched anything recently? You saw a Minecraft movie recently? Do you want to talk about that? 5:15 Speaker 3 Yeah, it was. It was the best. I hated it. 5:21 Speaker 1 Yeah, the Minecraft movie. Why? Well, tell me the plot of the Minecraft movie. 5:26 Speaker 3 The plot of the Minecraft movie is right. Two siblings moved to some no word town. Two siblings? Yeah, I was supposed to have one sibling by himself. 5:35 Speaker 1 I I I thought it was all about. 5:37 Speaker 2 A single brother. 5:39 Speaker 1 1. 5:39 Speaker 2 Guy who's be locates. 5:42 Speaker 1 I just thought like so, two siblings moved. 5:45 Speaker 3 To a town. 5:46 Speaker 1 It's not all about Jack Black. 5:47 Speaker 3 Jack Black is like the if anything it needs a prequel where Jack Black is the main character. Like it seems like a sequel. 5:56 Speaker 1 In the world of the Minecraft movie, is Minecraft the game that exists in the real world? No. Okay, Minecraft. 6:03 Speaker 3 Is its own unique thing. You go. It's like a Isakai anime where you go to the Minecraft world. Isakai meaning. 6:14 Speaker 2 So it's. 6:15 Speaker 3 It's sorta online, but Minecraft. 6:18 Speaker 2 It's a separate reality, yeah. So like, so the other characters like Jason Melora, Yeah, he existed mangered into, yeah, Minecraft, Yeah. 6:27 Speaker 1 Same with Steve as well. 6:29 Speaker 3 Yes, Jack Black exists within the real world, decides he's bored with his real life, goes to the minds. 6:36 Speaker 1 This is different from Jumanji ho the Jumanji which is about video games. 6:42 Speaker 3 Yeah, the way you get there is different. 6:45 Speaker 1 How did you get to Minecraft World? 6:47 Speaker 3 You open a portal with what would be in the Minecraft law a beacon which you get from defeating a boss in the game. Do you? 6:57 Speaker 1 Do this in the show. 6:59 Speaker 3 In the show. 7:00 Speaker 1 The film. 7:01 Speaker 3 No they don't. The beacon just sort of exists AS2 separate parts which is not in the game. It's it's own, it's one thing. 7:09 Speaker 1 OK, so how, how how do we understand something right now? So from what I've seen from the trailers, Jack Black, Yeah. Ends up in the Minecraft Rd. Yeah, as a young boy. 7:20 Speaker 3 No, he goes as a full grown adult, Jack Black as he is, no. 7:25 Speaker 1 So he's only there for a couple of years. It's not like he was the child that went missing. 7:29 Speaker 3 So the way I say it seems like this is a sequel to a film that didn't happen, right? Yeah. Is you get like a 10 minute prequel of Jack Black doing Jack Black things, being a child yearning for the mines which is. 7:47 Speaker 1 Natural way, which is one of those children do, yeah. 7:51 Speaker 2 Yeah. 7:52 Speaker 1 My great granddad Judd for the mines. 7:56 Speaker 3 He grows up, you see very briefly that he has an office job, gets bored of that there's. 8:00 Speaker 1 An office job. 8:01 Speaker 3 Very briefly, you see maybe 30 seconds of it. 8:04 Speaker 1 OK. 8:05 Speaker 3 He goes back to the mind that he wasn't allowed in as a child, instantly finds the two special artifacts that he needs to get to the Minecraft world, Goes to the Minecraft world, Spends again maybe 30 seconds there. Then he goes to the Nether and he's kidnapped. 8:22 And then we hard caught to the actual protagonists of the film. 8:26 Speaker 1 Steve's not a protagonist. 8:28 Speaker 3 He just sort of he's, he's Obi Wan Kenobi kind of guide to the Minecraft world as opposed to his own character. 8:37 Speaker 1 I've got Kenobi in which Star Wars? 8:40 Speaker 3 Episode 4. 8:41 Speaker 2 New Hope. 8:43 Speaker 3 Yeah, exactly. 8:44 Speaker 1 So a guide is just a guide to everybody coming into the world, Yeah. 8:47 Speaker 3 Yeah, so. 8:48 Speaker 1 So who's the new Skywalker? Jason Momoa. 8:51 Speaker 3 No, some ugly child with a lisp. 8:54 Speaker 1 Road. 8:55 Speaker 3 He's ugly and that has a list. 8:57 Speaker 1 He's ugly and he's got a list. 9:00 Speaker 3 I don't know his fucking character name. 9:02 Speaker 2 Oh my then so you want to fuck it like? 9:07 Speaker 3 It has that. 9:08 Speaker 2 Sexual. 9:09 Speaker 1 Is a non sexually active child. 9:13 Speaker 3 So sort of like one of my critiques of this film would be the like, live action world as it was. 9:20 Speaker 1 Is there is there any point like so Jack Black character Steve? Yeah. Is he trapped in the world of Minecraft? 9:28 Speaker 3 Yeah, so he goes from the real world to the Minecraft world to the Nether, which is like the second level of Minecraft as it. 9:36 Speaker 1 So in the Minecraft web is also attracting the never. 9:40 Speaker 3 Yeah, and he gets kidnapped by some evil witch woman in the nether to do something. I don't know. Scene missing. Proceed to next scene. It feels like a lot of scenes were missing, especially towards the beginning of this film. 9:56 Like to cut down for time, Jack Black goes I. 9:59 Speaker 2 Guess yeah, Yeah. 10:00 Speaker 3 Hey, I'm Steve. This is what happened. Here's AB and C D is I got trapped in the nether. Anyway, here's E, which is let's watch these two kids in the fucking real world for a little bit. Interact with Jason Momoa, Adam. 10:15 Speaker 2 'S ugly and one of them's hot Apollo. 10:16 Speaker 3 No, she looks like a 14 year old. It's weird. 10:20 Speaker 1 I think she is a 14 year old. 10:21 Speaker 3 No, she's 26. One of Liz's friends told me how old she was, and I went No, she's not. She's. 10:26 Speaker 1 14 Oh no, no, no, no. She's 26. She's one of my girlfriend's friends. End of that sentence. 10:35 Speaker 3 So there's two kids who moved to a new town because they're mum. 10:39 Speaker 1 Crafton. 10:40 Speaker 3 Could have been fucking. 10:41 Speaker 1 New Crafton. 10:42 Speaker 3 Yeah, it might be. That's that's as good a name as any. Quite frankly, he's probably better than the one that was used in the actual film. So we we hard cut away from Jack Black's Steve after he gets trapped in the Nether and he gives the the item you need to get to Minecraft. 10:59 He gives it to his Minecraft dog that he found in. 11:02 Speaker 1 In wait the item you need to get to mine, which he. 11:05 Speaker 3 Found in the real. 11:06 Speaker 1 World to get to Minecraft. 11:08 Speaker 3 To get to the Minecraft. 11:09 Speaker 1 World to get to Minecraft, that's what they're calling it. It's like. 11:12 Speaker 3 It's called the Overworld, which is what the Minecraft like normal world is called. 11:17 Speaker 1 OK. 11:18 Speaker 3 So he finds this item in the real world to get to the overworld. And then he finds a dog in the overworld. And he's like, oh, cool, right, Let's go exploring in the overworld. And he finds a portal to the nether. And then he finds that the the nether, the nether, sorry, is full of bad guys. 11:35 And he goes, hey, my dog, take this item you need to get to the Minecraft overworld and hide it in the real world. And then the two other main characters find his dog in the real world, and then they go into the Minecraft overworld. 11:51 And once they're there, for some reason, the evil witch from the Nether knows that they're there and goes, hey, Jack Black, you go to the overworld and get this thing that I want. 12:02 Speaker 1 Who's the villain of the piece? The Witch. 12:05 Speaker 3 Yeah, and she wants the item to get to Minecraft because. 12:10 Speaker 1 She lives in Minecraft. 12:11 Speaker 3 She lives in the Nether of Minecraft. 12:14 Speaker 1 But she lives in Minecraft. 12:15 Speaker 3 She does live in Minecraft, yeah, but she wants to live in the overworld instead of the Nether because she wants gold, even though in the game there's way more gold in the Nether as opposed to the overworld. But we'll ignore that particular game fact for now. This. 12:28 Speaker 1 Story was not about when you said they were sharing all over the war. 12:32 Speaker 3 Yeah, also the ugly child whose name I can't remember comes to Minecraft and Steve's like, hey, you're really creative. Because in the real world you made a jet pack, which didn't work perfectly, but it did work. It was a fucking jet pack. 12:47 And I'm like, this 12 year old just made a jet pack. In what world is that a bad thing, Personally. But everyone shits on him for it because you've got to have your 80s bully who hits the nerd as it were. 12:59 Speaker 2 Yeah. 12:59 Speaker 1 I guess. 13:01 Speaker 3 So he goes to Minecraft and he makes like a little gun that can shoot whatever block you put in it, which is mentioned once. And Jack Black Steve goes, hey, you're really creative anyway, let's forget about that. 13:12 Speaker 1 Don't creative mode. 13:15 Speaker 3 Yeah, just like that. That's what you said into the camera lens as well. 13:20 Speaker 1 Everyone surprised me. 13:21 Speaker 3 Anyway, we'll forget about that because he spends the rest of his time making friends with Jason Momoa, who was good at video games in the 80s, but now he's a washed up loser, which doesn't come into the film at all. Actually, they just make friends with each other. 13:36 Speaker 1 I didn't hear about this and I thought it was really stupid 'cause it's like, so Jason Monmour's character is like someone who was like essentially like he was good at like Pac-Man space invasion and whatnot. 13:46 Speaker 3 He was more like Street Fighter 2. 13:50 Speaker 1 He won competitions in the day. Yeah. And then, like, Minecraft comes on, he's like, why? Why would this guy be? 13:57 Speaker 3 Oh, so he's established. 13:59 Speaker 1 There is no correlation between someone who was in the 80s who was like a someone who was really good at Streets Range. I'm really good at fucking Pac-Man. I'm really good at Space Invaders. These are my games with your iPad. Oh no, no, I'm stuck in the Minecraft world. 14:15 I don't know what to do. 14:17 Speaker 3 So in the 70s where Jack Black finds the item to get to Minecraft. 14:23 Speaker 1 Yeah. 14:24 Speaker 3 All of his stuff from the 70s gets put into a storage locker. So we get a Storage Wars scene where Jason Momoa character buys all of his stuff from this storage locker and then he finds it and puts it him in his vintage game shop so ugly child can find it for some reason. 14:43 Like it's the most convoluted set up to a film I've seen in a very long time. 14:48 Speaker 1 Like a Tron situation. 14:50 Speaker 3 Like a Tron legacy situation. 14:53 Speaker 2 Did he find the thing or did he win like in a game company? No, no, him winning him that, he was a Storage Wars thing, yeah. 14:59 Speaker 3 Yeah, him being good at video games doesn't matter. It's why it will never involve. 15:05 Speaker 2 Why on earth would you include it? 15:07 Speaker 3 Because in an earlier court it was involved, but in this version now, so it's. 15:11 Speaker 1 Not. Why would you include this in the plot first? 15:14 Speaker 3 Thought it was a cool deploy. 15:17 Speaker 1 Why do you put this in? It makes no sense. 15:20 Speaker 3 It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense in the film as well. He gets there and he's bad at games. He's like, he's bad at Minecraft. And I'm like, but you established he was good at video games, but you put him in Minecraft and he's bad at it. And the ugly child whose name I can't remember. 15:37 He's really good at Minecraft because he's creative in quite in quotation Marks, and Jack Black tells him he's she. 15:44 Speaker 1 Is a question for you. I don't know, I'm not seeing it. I don't know what the age ramifications of everybody is, but every single character, including people that aren't get like big credited every single character who's the hottest person in Minecraft. Who would you fuck? 16:00 Speaker 3 There are no hot people in the Minecraft movie, but I guess Jennifer Coolidge in there is in there. 16:06 Speaker 1 Jennifer Coolidge is in there. 16:07 Speaker 3 Yeah, she fucks one of the villagers because he comes from Minecraft to the real world and she hits him with her fucking product placement car, which she goes, hey, I hit you with my Jeep Grand Cherokee. 16:24 Normally. Normally when I hit people with my Jeep Grand Cherokee, they don't like it, but you seem cool and then they go on a date. And this is the subplot of the film is Jennifer Coolidge is going to fuck one of the villagers? 16:37 Speaker 1 How did how did the village get into mine? How did the village get into real world? 16:43 Speaker 2 This, this is more personal. I'm going to say say that again, but with a Jennifer Coolidge impression. 16:48 Speaker 3 I don't know if I can't like a like a head sort of accent. 16:55 Speaker 2 Just go like a. 16:56 Speaker 1 Hey. 16:57 Speaker 3 Yeah, I hit you with my Jeep Grand Cherokee and normally people don't like it When I hit you with my Jeep Grand Cherokee, I was in Legally Blonde I. 17:07 Speaker 2 Don't like? 17:09 Speaker 1 That Russian blonde. 17:11 Speaker 3 Yeah, she was. 17:13 Speaker 2 Something actually. Oh, she's like I. 17:15 Speaker 3 Hit you with my Jeep Grand Cherokee That's an awesome honestly she says the entire name of it like 3 or 4 times through the entire film and I'm like there's blatant product placement and they're saying the name of the thing that you're fucking product placing I. 17:29 Speaker 1 Think that's like in the like? So why job locking it? Jason Moore and whoever else. 17:36 Speaker 3 Yeah, ugly child and child that looks like a 12 year old, but he's actually 25 or something. 17:40 Speaker 1 An ugly child looks like a fucking child. Like a woodfall. There's. 17:44 Speaker 3 Ugly child. 17:45 Speaker 1 Who's the child of the child I fuck no. 17:48 Speaker 3 She she looks weird. It's weird. It's. 17:50 Speaker 1 No, looks hot. You don't get it. She's hot. 17:53 Speaker 3 It looks like when you look at a 12 his. 17:55 Speaker 1 Words not mine. His words, not mine. 17:58 Speaker 3 Stop putting words in my mouth. 18:01 Speaker 1 So there's been a thing going around about the theatre experience of Minecraft. 18:07 Speaker 3 Yeah, I was in the sort of ramp up period where people would say stupid Minecraft all right things, but not throw popcorn and water and everything at the at the I. 18:17 Speaker 1 Genuinely did not believe, I swear to him when you sent me that video. I'm like, that is not a video that you just sent me. I refuse to believe that. I'm like, that is a an American thing. It's a total thing. But no, it was from that video. I no, I believe that it was from your video. 18:34 Yeah, because your video is the tame is fucking shit. Yeah, all the things I've seen, you know when. So they do the chicken jockey scene. There's been people in the theaters throwing big bags of popcorn and like, unleashing. 18:51 Speaker 3 Actual chickens and actual. 18:54 Speaker 1 Fucking chickens. And they've just been throwing them out in the arena. I'm like, Oh yeah, chicken jockey. 19:01 Speaker 3 Ha ha ha, chicken jockey. 19:04 Speaker 2 Is that the ugly child that you were? 19:06 Speaker 3 Talking No, this is his sister, who's simultaneously 40 and 12 at the same time. 19:12 Speaker 1 Shaking jockey. You think of a Minecraft world, Shaggy. 19:15 Speaker 3 Might be this guy with no forehead who's all forehead somehow. Yeah, that's him. 19:20 Speaker 1 Shaggy, it's great for listening. 19:23 Speaker 3 I know we're both scrolling through his jacks phone. 19:27 Speaker 2 He sort of looks like a Young Sheldon type to be, Yeah. I want necessarily say he's fucking ugly though. 19:34 Speaker 3 He's the ugliest person in the cast. 19:36 Speaker 1 He looks like. 19:38 Speaker 2 A boy? Yeah, it's. 19:40 Speaker 1 A generic boy. It looks like James the Giant Peach. Yeah, I mean those. 19:44 Speaker 3 None of those models from that film were flattering. 19:48 Speaker 1 But chicken jerky thing, is that a thing that is existing in the Minecraft world beforehand? So like so. 19:57 Speaker 3 It wasn't like a hilarious meme until Jack Black said it. And in this. 20:01 Speaker 1 Film a zombie riding a chicken existed beforehand. Before the film, yeah, yeah. And I was always kind of chicken jockey. 20:09 Speaker 3 Yeah, it just wasn't a big deal because it's Minecraft and no one cares. Yeah, and. 20:12 Speaker 1 No one gave a shit. Yeah, fair enough. 20:16 Speaker 3 So you've got right as people from the real world go, not trapped in the video game, our Jumanji, the animated series from the 90s. 20:29 Speaker 2 Yeah, you've got, oh, I mean, I guess any version of Jumanji. 20:34 Speaker 3 Yeah, not Robin Williams, the character. You've got Young Sheldon, his sister Jason Momoa, the.

Unpacking Minecraft Movie's Lore, Logic, and Disappointing Climax

20:44 Shag, marry, kill, go on. 20:47 Speaker 3 I'm not done yet. 20:49 Speaker 1 I want to even through options. 20:51 Speaker 2 Well, the fourth person, that's Jason Muloa. Ugly boy or 12 year old girl. I don't want to. 20:58 Speaker 1 Job locks not involved. 20:59 Speaker 2 Answer the question. Oh God. 21:02 Speaker 1 Jason Manoa, 12 year old girl. 21:05 Speaker 3 Jason Lawnmower. 21:07 Speaker 1 Yeah, Who you shagging? Who you marrying? Who you killing? 21:10 Speaker 3 I guess I'm going to shag it Jason Muloa, because I can't get sent to jail for that sexless marriage with the 26 year old woman even though she looks like a 12 year old. 21:21 Speaker 1 Which is what you want. 21:23 Speaker 3 Oh well, I've left myself kissing a fucking child. Oh no killing. Look, thank God for that. I'm killing the child. 21:31 Speaker 1 It was always, it was always a kill. Why did you why did you say it was always? 21:35 Speaker 3 Because I forgot I said kiss Jason my mother. Thank. 21:38 Speaker 2 God, I get to kill a child. 21:40 Speaker 1 Oh my God, I don't have to fucking kiss. Oh God to kiss this. No. No one's saying you should kiss the child. Oh, I'm gonna have to kiss this. No. 21:49 Speaker 3 Oh dear. Oh no. The. 21:52 Speaker 1 Option is kill. No, no, no, no. I'm gonna have to kiss this shot. No shag, marry, kill. No shag marry, kiss. I'm gonna smooch up a storm. 22:09 Smooch this boy. 22:10 Speaker 3 Want to? I thought no. 22:13 Speaker 1 Smooch your boy. That was what you wanted to do? I'll. 22:18 Speaker 3 Switch this fucking young Shelton if I want to, if you. 22:21 Speaker 1 Want. That's fine, I'm not going to. 22:23 Speaker 3 Anyway, anyway, right. 22:26 Speaker 1 The listeners might have something to say about it, but yeah. What? She mine, She mine. But one female listener, Yeah. 22:34 Speaker 3 This ugly child and his big sister, right And they thought he. 22:37 Speaker 1 Was going to comment on our listeners then. They're attractive. We only have heart listeners, obviously. 22:43 Speaker 3 All of your listeners are attractive. 22:45 Speaker 1 All seven of them, Yeah. Fucking smoke shows. 22:50 Speaker 3 So this ugly child and his sister who moved to this time where the Minecraft Paul seems to be for whatever reason, and they move into a house because as they establish by talking to each other, they go, our mom just died and she wanted us to buy this house. So we've bought this house 90. 23:09 Speaker 1 Is that our mom just died? 23:11 Speaker 3 I reckon I'm just fucking kick bucket. 23:17 Speaker 1 Go on. 23:18 Speaker 3 And there's a realtor whose name I also can't remember, black woman whose name I don't know. So there's. So they move into this house. An ugly child gets bullied at school and he makes a jet pack and the jet pack malfunctions because the bullies, the 80s bullies, fuck with it. 23:35 And it blows up the factory where his sister works now, Right. And he gives Jason Momoa a ring for whatever reason. So. So his sister doesn't get in trouble, I guess. And he goes, hey, I've got 23 quid, come pretend to be my legal adult. 23:51 And he goes, yeah, deal. And then the sister goes, hey, I'm in trouble. I've got no one to call. I'd better call the realtor that sold us this house that we've just moved into. And now she's the main character in the film. I couldn't tell you her name. Realtor I guess. 24:08 Speaker 1 I don't like any of this. 24:09 Speaker 3 It's all bullshit. It all feels like a scene's missing constantly from every scene that's in there. There's a scene missing, right? So ugly child calls Jason Momoa and weird looking sister calls a realtor and then Ugly Child however he comes across it gets Jack Black's crystal to get to the Minecraft world and they all go to the Minecraft world and Jack Black's been blackmailed by the villain of the film whose name I can't remember. 24:41 The Piglin witch. 24:43 Speaker 1 Piglin Witch. 24:44 Speaker 3 That's essentially a good name she's going to get right. 24:48 Speaker 1 What is she name for? 24:49 Speaker 3 A That's her fucking name. 24:51 Speaker 1 Penguin Witch. 24:52 Speaker 3 She's a piglin and she's a witch. 24:54 Speaker 1 What the fuck's a Penguin? The. 24:56 Speaker 3 Weird pig men that live in the nether. 24:58 Speaker 1 If there's not one they caught in Minecraft were piglings. Yeah, dumb. 25:03 Speaker 3 It is dumb, but that's what they're called. 25:05 Speaker 1 Piglings Why is the villain a pig? 25:09 Speaker 3 Because she lives in the Nether and everybody who lives in the Nether is a pig. I don't know why that's the case Is. 25:15 Speaker 1 Is there an Ender Dragon in the film? No. Is there an What's the bit where Jab Black's eyes growing white? What's that about? Why is he going Super Saiyan? Why is that not going everyone's hyperboat? 25:28 Speaker 3 Right, so. 25:28 Speaker 1 Jab Black's eyes is growing white. It's not good. It's. 25:32 Speaker 3 Not a mod or something. So mod or something I think I can't. 25:36 Speaker 1 So mods a cannon. 25:39 Speaker 3 The Herobrine 1 is yeah, the. 25:41 Speaker 1 Herobrine, What does that even mean? 25:44 Speaker 3 It means it's the Steve skin, but instead of having pupils in his skin, he's just got white eyes and he comes. 25:49 Speaker 1 Into and it was hyper shit for that shit. 25:51 Speaker 3 It's a very old reference. Old. Yeah. Like when Minecraft launched, Kind of old, but the child is looking at an enderman because in the game if you look at an enderman in the eyes, it'll attack you, right? 26:07 But in the film if you. 26:08 Speaker 1 Look at me and the eyes are attack you. Oh. 26:11 Speaker 3 My God, that's. 26:12 Speaker 1 Because you've got autism. That's give them aggressive. Oh. 26:16 Speaker 3 My gosh. But in the film, if you look at an enderman in the eyes, it'll just give you a psychic drug trip, I guess. 26:23 Speaker 1 On the wrist. 26:24 Speaker 3 Yeah, it'll go stop it. But everybody, the the main characters, Jason Momoa, the weird looking sister and black woman all had purple eyes. 26:40 I can't remember her name. I can't remember anybody's know. The names don't matter. 26:44 Speaker 1 It's not all right. It's all right. Yeah. Versus a very special guest. A very special guest. It says the black woman's name doesn't matter. 26:53 Speaker 3 Neither do the white people's names either, other than Jason Mollo because I know that's the real life person's name, and Jack Black I guess purple eyes apart from Jack Black who has white eyes because Steve with white eyes. White eyes in the game is called Herobrine and it's a Herobrine reference. 27:11 There you go. 27:12 Speaker 1 You said that. 27:13 Speaker 3 Blake and you'll miss it. Quite frankly, I didn't notice it until someone pointed out you. 27:18 Speaker 1 You said to me and me and Jack, you said to us, this film shits all over the war. What is the law that it shits all over? 27:30 Speaker 3 So ugly child makes something you can't make in Minecraft, right? Quite frankly, he brings a mod with him. 27:38 Speaker 1 What can't you make in Minecraft? 27:40 Speaker 3 He makes a gun. 27:42 Speaker 1 Just brings a Glock with him. He does. 27:44 Speaker 3 Essentially, he gets. 27:47 Speaker 1 Trashed. Does he bring a gun with him or does he craft? 27:50 Speaker 3 Crafts a gun. You can't craft the gun in Minecraft Minecraft because it's not in the game. Unless you make a mod, which in which case he brought a mod with. 27:58 Speaker 1 Take some gun party, take some bullets. You can be able to craft a gun. 28:02 Speaker 3 So he makes and gone and Jack Black goes oh God, you're so fucking creative. Anyway, here's some fucking. 28:09 Speaker 1 You're so creative, you already know. 28:13 Speaker 3 Yeah, here's some villages they love Crushing Loaf. And what other stupid fucking memes come from this film anyway? That gun that he made doesn't get mentioned again until the climax of the film. 28:26 Speaker 1 What of the film? 28:27 Speaker 3 The climax. Just like I'm at right now. God. 28:30 Speaker 2 Damn. 28:31 Speaker 1 Right. Yeah, okay. 28:33 Speaker 2 He's just taking it out as well. I can see it. 28:37 Speaker 3 Don't look at it for. 28:38 Speaker 2 Some reason he's trying to not. He's doing like this sort of weird. Try as I might, I can't house this hog. Sort of. 28:48 Speaker 1 Situation hog. It's like, yeah, no. 28:51 Speaker 3 I must come, but I can't ejaculate as it were. 29:00 Speaker 1 Mostly I have no bell, but I must come. 29:06 Speaker 3 Yeah, I think that's the. 29:07 Speaker 1 Book Ed Harrison thing yeah, they're they're they're actually bringing that back out for the current generation so we could be able to play that game. I have no most, but I'm a scream. 29:23 Yeah. Either way. No, I'm so spider scream. 29:29 Speaker 3 Either way it comes back right at the end because he he gets to the teleport item which called an ender PO which you in the games you would just throw it but he puts it in a gun and shoots it and I'm like I don't know why this couldn't. 29:41 Speaker 1 Have it was in the trailer. 29:43 Speaker 3 Yeah, I don't know why this couldn't have been thrown, but whatever. He's got it in a gun. I guess it shows how creative is. 29:51 Speaker 1 How come Jack Light never went back to the real world? 29:55 Speaker 3 Throughout the entire thing, he's not like, I don't like the real world. It doesn't let me be creative. And then right at the very end when all the pigglings are defeated and whatever, there are Jason Momoa and the other 3 characters are about to go back to the real world and the the woman character who looks like a 12 year old goes. 30:14 It'd be way more creative if you came back to the real world with us and it makes like and it looks like Jack. What is it been? 30:21 Speaker 1 Way more crave. If you let me saw that Dick a crave would that be? Oh yeah, super creative. Let me nosh on that, smosh. 30:31 Speaker 3 I don't think they share more than 4 lines in the entire film. But she says that to him at the end and he goes, you know what, you're right, I'm going to come to the real world and me and Jason Momoa are going to run. Jason Momoa's Retro Game Store, which was being foreclosed on in the opening. 30:48 Super cool. I guess because it's not being foreclosed on anymore because Jack Black's also associated, I guess. 30:56 Speaker 1 Maybe it's. 30:58 Speaker 3 A real pagemaster ending. 31:01 Speaker 1 Yeah, that's our review of this freaking Chinese review of. 31:06 Speaker 3 The terrible Minecraft. 31:08 Speaker 1 The Minecraft film. 31:10 Speaker 3 But you know, Jack Black says funny things in it, and he sings a song about burning chickens alive with lava. 31:16 Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm annoyed about seeing that song. What is that got like lava chicken chicken lava? 31:21 Speaker 3 Yeah, chicken, I think it is. 31:24 Speaker 1 Annoying as fuck. 31:26 Speaker 3 Yeah, there's a couple of like what feel like Jack Black ad libs throughout the thing, which include any time he mentions an item from the Minecraft game. Quite frankly, I. 31:39 Speaker 1 Guess Jack's fully asleep right now. 31:45 Speaker 3 He's just fine. 31:47 Speaker 2 Just resting my eyes. 31:49 Speaker 1 Just resting his eyes on a podcast. 31:52 Speaker 2 Yeah, you see man. 31:53 Speaker 3 You just need your ears for a podcast. 31:56 Speaker 1 Yeah, but his ears are awake. 31:59 Speaker 3 His ears are closed. I can see him now. 32:03 Speaker 1 The question is. 32:04 Speaker 2 Earholes like my Cos weights like chomps and squeezes out earphone. 32:10 Speaker 1 Can't have a, you can't. You can't have anything in my earholes. It'll push him out. 32:14 Speaker 2 Not alone, it throws it. 32:16 Speaker 1 Off not alone it's. 32:17 Speaker 2 Like it's got specific dietary requirements and earphones are not on it.

From Doom to Desires: Shaggy's Cursed Billion-Pound Wishes

32:22 32:25 Speaker 3 I played God Eater 3. 32:27 Speaker 1 Which you say was God hand. 32:29 Speaker 3 God is. 32:30 Speaker 1 Which is a thing. 32:32 Speaker 3 I mean you are right, I just got one word in that title wrong. 32:35 Speaker 1 What's Jodie Three about? 32:37 Speaker 3 I couldn't fucking tell you quite. 32:39 Speaker 1 So it's not enjoying it. Were you playing Jack? 32:44 Speaker 2 I've just finished Doom 2016 and I've not long since finished Dragon's Crown, so I don't know I think. 32:52 Speaker 1 Oh, we spoke about Dragon's Crown. We've done a lot about Dragon's Crown, Yeah. 32:55 Speaker 2 We'll do. 32:56 Speaker 1 Two bits about Dragon's Crown. 32:58 Speaker 3 Enough about Dragon's Crown. 33:00 Speaker 2 Yeah, I can't. I can't remember. Maybe I'll go for. 33:03 Speaker 1 Do 2016 though. 33:05 Speaker 2 Might do. 33:06 Speaker 1 You not spoke about Doom 2016 here. 33:08 Speaker 2 Might doom. It's a little to be honest here. 33:10 Speaker 1 The new one. 33:11 Speaker 3 No, that's Doom with a shield. This is Doom with a sword. It's a. 33:16 Speaker 2 Couple years old at this point I think. 33:21 Speaker 3 Doom Eternals, the one with the big hell sword. 33:25 Speaker 2 Yeah, I was just like a predator knife that pops out from his foreground guard. Yeah as well. And he has a grappling holder. 33:35 Speaker 1 Can say for a little bit or Shaggy's ear. 33:40 Speaker 3 I. 33:41 Speaker 1 Shaggy genie pops out of a fucking Dick hole. 33:47 Speaker 3 My Dick hole. 33:48 Speaker 1 Not yours. 33:49 Speaker 2 Yeah, so somebody elses Dick hole if you rub someones balls. 33:55 Speaker 1 Genie pops out with them out then. 33:58 Speaker 2 And then someone. 33:59 Speaker 1 And then she's always hey, 3 wishes what you want, what what you're wishing for any. 34:07 Speaker 3 Wishes. 34:08 Speaker 1 Yeah, Any wishes these are? 34:10 Speaker 3 These monkey Paul wishes are you? 34:12 Speaker 1 Know the genie says any wishes. 34:15 Speaker 2 Yeah, the genie wishes. 34:16 Speaker 3 The genie wishes like Aladdin's the genie wishes. 34:20 Speaker 2 The genie wishes. I don't know what other things to say other than a genie is here and it's granting you 3 wishes. 34:29 Speaker 1 You have 3 wishes. What are them them wishes? 34:32 Speaker 3 I guess. 34:33 Speaker 1 Your first wish, you got 3 wishes. You and your wife, you have 3 wishes. What's your first one? 34:38 Speaker 3 A billion pounds. 34:40 Speaker 1 Right, OK, OK, wish #2. 34:43 Speaker 3 Oh shit, do I get the billion? Billion is the billion pounds in my account. 34:48 Speaker 1 We'll figure out later on wish to just. 34:52 Speaker 2 Go on, go on to your next wish. 34:56 Speaker 3 I don't know. I mean, a billion pounds would probably fulfill all of my other wishes, quite frankly. 35:04 Speaker 1 First, so the way I'm seeing it is like it's billion pound, he gets the billion pound, but he only gets access to that like after he's died. 35:12 Speaker 2 No, that's not genuine wish to genuine wishes. I'm going to do it in super literal. So you have 100, so you have a billion pounds or something because it's a weight. 35:24 Speaker 1 Yeah, are you going to do real? 35:26 Speaker 2 Monkey, do you know? 35:29 Speaker 3 What I mean, I wish. I wish I had a billion pounds sterling deposited into my bank account. 35:35 Speaker 2 Sort of like big bounds of. 35:38 Speaker 1 Are you gonna monkeys pilot shit up? 35:41 Speaker 2 Well, no, because it's still Genie. We're still doing Genie rules, though. They'll be. 35:43 Speaker 3 Like, Oh yeah, we can move it from somewhere else. We're. 35:46 Speaker 1 Trying to do it. I I kind of wanna say I kind of wanna do monkey powder rules. I want, I want him to have his wish and I want us to kind of fuck it up. 35:53 Speaker 3 Is it gonna be like X-Files where I wish for World Peace? And by getting World Peace, I mean all the other human beings are gone. 35:59 Speaker 1 And by getting World Peace, you get stabbed. I wish for World Peace. No, I wish for World Peace. OK, that happens. But you get stabbed a lot when you're alive. 36:13 Speaker 3 I'll take that bullet, I guess. 36:15 Speaker 1 Alright, fucking mom. 36:17 Speaker 2 You won't. You want a monkey paw? Billion pounds. 36:22 Speaker 3 I don't want a monkey paw. 36:24 Speaker 1 You're wishing specifically for a billion pounds for you. 36:27 Speaker 3 Yes, sterling as in the currency. 36:30 Speaker 1 OK, so you want. 36:32 Speaker 2 Bought from somewhere though, don't it? 36:33 Speaker 3 Yeah, just. 36:34 Speaker 2 It isn't just magic talk. 36:37 Speaker 3 Well, that's the point of a genie in it. It is magic talk because. 36:42 Speaker 2 Okay, yeah, right. If like there are two ways to go about this, right. Either that billion pounds has come from someone else, so someone else is account. All the accounts has been drained to the sum of a billion pounds. 36:54 Speaker 1 You do get a billion pounds, but someone suffering for it. 36:57 Speaker 2 So. 36:58 Speaker 3 Or. 36:59 Speaker 2 Because of that this. 37:00 Speaker 1 Girl, No. No, not. 37:02 Speaker 2 Well, because of that, the law enforcement must believe that you have stolen it, right? Can I just tell, like alternatively, you have summoned a billion pounds of currency that wasn't in circulation, so you are destroying the economy? 37:17 Speaker 3 Can I just have 1 LB? 37:18 Speaker 2 And it's not worth a billion pounds. 37:20 Speaker 1 You're getting arrested. 37:23 Speaker 3 I wish I could never. 37:24 Speaker 1 You're in jail right now because of your wish. 37:27 Speaker 3 I wish I had a billion pounds, but it would just be 1 LB from a billion people's bank accounts. No, absolutely no one's going to miss it. 37:37 Speaker 1 But for a billion people's right, there's seven. 37:40 Speaker 3 Billion people in the world 1 LB. 37:43 Speaker 1 From There's more than 7 billion people, there's 8. 37:45 Speaker 3 Billion people in the world. 37:46 Speaker 1 There's more than eight, I think whatever, either way. Wait, wait, 1 billion billion? 37:53 Speaker 2 I don't know, Shaggy, it's not. 37:55 Speaker 3 Million it's. 37:56 Speaker 2 Just a billion banks. 38:00 Speaker 1 If if 8 billion. 38:01 Speaker 3 People lost the pound each. No one. 38:04 Speaker 1 Fucking no, you've wasted your waste. That's wish one. 38:08 Speaker 3 Right. Wish 2. I wish you could never be arrested for anything. 38:13 Speaker 1 Right Wish 2. 38:14 Speaker 3 I wish I could never be arrested for anything. 38:17 Speaker 2 So like so then. 38:18 Speaker 3 I wish I was immune to all laws. 38:21 Speaker 1 Fucking raping, fucking killing children. 38:25 Speaker 3 That's that's clearly your wish, but. 38:28 Speaker 1 But you said I'm never going to get arrested. Yeah. 38:31 Speaker 3 Because I've stole 1 LB from a billion people. 38:34 Speaker 1 No, that's not why you're not getting arrested. You're not getting arrested for not getting arrested, say. 38:39 Speaker 2 He is essentially then an outlaw like oh shit. Which means that yeah, fair enough, he isn't under the jurisdiction of laws, but at the same time, laws are there to help him either. 38:51 Speaker 3 Right. All right, so if someone stole my money, I couldn't complain about it. Yeah, because. But I've got my billion pounds somewhere at the moment. Yeah, in a bank account. 39:06 Speaker 2 But. 39:08 Speaker 3 So if I if I give my deep my bank details to the wallet inspector as it were for my crypto that I've just got my billion pounds from say, I can't complain about it. 39:22 Speaker 1 No. 39:24 Speaker 3 Right. 39:25 Speaker 1 Because I said no. 39:27 Speaker 3 My third wish would be I wish I could never. 39:30 Speaker 1 The second wish I. 39:31 Speaker 3 Could never be arrested by anything. 39:34 Speaker 2 Buy anything by Not a giraffe, Not a hippo. 39:39 Speaker 3 Could you imagine a hippo trying to arrest you? Not could. 39:42 Speaker 2 Possibly could. 39:43 Speaker 1 You arrange that hippo trying to arrest you. I couldn't, but I want to. 39:48 Speaker 3 But Hippo came over trying to arrest me. 39:50 Speaker 1 You're under arrest about you know what? 39:52 Speaker 3 I give yeah monsters. 39:55 Speaker 1 Absolutely. I'm under arrest by you even. I've done nothing wrong. Yeah, if a former hippo cable, so maybe some cuffs. 40:03 Speaker 3 600 lbs of death. 40:06 Speaker 1 And you know what, mate? Yeah. Cuff man. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah. 40:13 Speaker 3 But like the Whoopi Goldberg film with Theodore Rex. 40:19 Speaker 1 Nobody knows that. Nobody knows that, right? 40:23 Speaker 3 It's because you. 40:23 Speaker 2 Don't know that right too. 40:24 Speaker 1 Nation some. 40:27 Speaker 3 Organization be more generic. 40:34 Speaker 2 So you've acquired a pound all to the sum of 1 LB from a billion people. Yeah, because that is more than the population of Britain by a decent margin. 40:48 Speaker 3 As well, I'm like. 40:49 Speaker 2 There's like 70 million people that live in 100 and that's it, right. So to to the sum of a billion pounds sterling, you've taken what is the equivalent of 1 LB from each bank account of a billion people. 41:05 These billion people know that you've stolen this money from. 41:09 Speaker 3 Yeah, but I'm immune to No, you're. 41:11 Speaker 1 Not immune to. 41:12 Speaker 2 Anything. Yeah, right. 41:14 Speaker 3 And that can't be arrested. 41:15 Speaker 2 You are immune to being arrested. You're not immune to being haunted by a militia. 41:19 Speaker 3 I'll give everybody back. Yeah, but not all you are. Not all billion people are going to come to me, are they? Because some of them will go. 41:28 Speaker 2 I should hope not. 41:30 Speaker 3 I'll be covered in it. You'll drain, won't be able to breathe. 41:37 Speaker 1 They're going to come on your nose. 41:40 Speaker 3 So what you're saying is as long as I keep my nose above come level? 41:43 Speaker 1 I'll be 100%. 41:46 Speaker 3 See. So it's all right then, once all billion people have come and come on me as as it were, I'll stand in the Olympic sized swimming pool and everybody can ejaculate right into it and as long as I keep my nose above cum level, we are right. 41:59 Speaker 2 The way that you're talking about this, this is wishly and you've been building up to it. This, this feels like this is what you really wanted all along, to be covered in a billion people's cum. 42:12 Speaker 1 Where is Wish 3 by the way, while we're on about it? I don't know. Come, come for. 42:20 Speaker 3 Come to always stay. 42:22 Speaker 1 No. Why? 42:24 Speaker 2 Genuinely. 42:26 Speaker 1 What is wish three? What was which one? Remind us what wish 2 was and what's which 3? 42:32 Speaker 3 Which one was for a billion pounds? All right? Wish 2 was to never be under any jurisdiction of law, as it were. And then I guess Wish 3 would be for no one to know that it was me who stole the 1 LB. 42:51 I've got a billion pounds, I can't be touched by law and no one cares that I've taken their pound. 42:56 Speaker 2 So these 3 wishes combined. 42:58 Speaker 3 Yeah. 42:59 Speaker 2 Because you are carefully being like, right? 43:03 Speaker 3 If if a then. 43:04 Speaker 2 BJ then, then B, Yeah. And if that's the downfall to B, then. 43:08 Speaker 3 Then C, yeah. 43:10 Speaker 2 So essentially what you have wished for is. 43:13 Speaker 3 To be an island nation unto myself. 43:16 Speaker 2 Seemingly an infinitely wealthy person, right? Yeah, because it's going to be difficult to spend a billion pounds within a lifetime. Yeah. You've made it so that you are an outlaw. 43:29 Speaker 3 Yeah. 43:29 Speaker 2 So that yeah, you, you aren't under any sort of jurisdiction and laws don't apply to you, but at the same time, laws aren't there to help you out. 43:38 Speaker 3 But no one cares. 43:40 Speaker 2 Yeah, Then you wished for no one to ever know that I am this villain this, This thief, this. 43:47 Speaker 1 Horrible. 43:48 Speaker 2 Man, So no, no one knows you. And because no one knows you, you're going to find it incredibly difficult to access your bank account to get hold of this just because people. 43:57 Speaker 3 Doesn't don't know me, doesn't mean that I don't have identification. 44:01 Speaker 1 Yeah, but you're, you're. 44:02 Speaker 3 It's going to be obscured to them like. 44:05 Speaker 1 You've got to be a minor pro, not. 44:07 Speaker 2 Because you are the nobody know you. You are no. 44:11 Speaker 1 Everybody knows if the guy. 44:12 Speaker 2 No imperceptible to people because everyone because of wish one knew that you stole their money. 44:18 Speaker 1 They also know if the guy. 44:20 Speaker 2 Knew that you are an immune to the law and outside of the law's jurisdiction. And then because of wish 3. The very fault of that is that because you have made it so that no one knows any of this stuff, that means that you have been wiped from human perception because the universal truth was that you have this money, you are immune to the law, you are outside of jurisdiction. 44:43 And no, because that is no not the case. The flip side to that is you are no imperceptible, and because you are imperceptible, you cannot access your money. 44:52 Speaker 3 Well, I can't access my money through humans. Humans if I pay my bank details into a machine. 45:03 Speaker 2 Right, all right, so for X amount of time you'll be able to get £100 a per day call right but once that card then runs out of. 45:18 Speaker 3 So what you're saying is I've got 1000 cards, all with things, thousands of a billionth on them, and I have to remember all the PIN numbers because if I had a billion cards or with a pound on them, that would be really hard to spend any of that money actually. 45:34 And I don't like that. I don't want to change my third wish. 45:37 Speaker 2 Not too late. 45:38 Speaker 3 Oh no, because that's a lot. Can they all have the same PIN number? Because that would be much easier. 45:46 Speaker 1 Absolutely not. 45:47 Speaker 2 And even if it wasn't a case of I'll, I'll just use one of the QPA system, it is no belief that you don't exist. So your bank account is no. 45:57 Speaker 3 Null and void it goes to my next of kin then if I'm. 46:03 Speaker 1 Wish you don't have anything. Yeah, I do. You have a next of kin? Yeah. Who? 46:08 Speaker 3 Liz. 46:09 Speaker 2 Who? Who? 46:10 Speaker 1 Is your wife? 46:11 Speaker 2 Who? Yeah, who? You are also imperceptible too. 46:15 Speaker 3 Yeah, so she's just got a billion pounds that she doesn't know where it came from. 46:18 Speaker 1 I can't. This is why we don't have him as a guest. 46:25 Speaker 2 Yeah, but what what I think you're forgetting, Mike, is that this still doesn't work out good for Shaq. He doesn't. He doesn't have the money. He doesn't have anything anymore. Like literally nothing. He has nothing, though, because he wished for these three specific things. You know, he's less than. 46:42 Some are less than 0. Yeah. 46:44 Speaker 3 I'm a I'm a 0 sum human being. 46:48 Speaker 1 If that's what you want to tell yourself, that's fine. 46:52 Speaker 3 But also I can do whatever I want and never get in trouble for it, so I could just steal whatever I need and then be all like doesn't matter because no one can perceive me as it were. 47:03 Speaker 1 Maybe. 47:04 Speaker 2 More the existence there's. 47:05 Speaker 1 More the existence. 47:08 Speaker 2 So if yeah, he is completely able to steal a loaf of bread to make himself with sandwich or whatever. 47:13 Speaker 1 He's not aligning though. 47:15 Speaker 2 I never said he was. 47:18 Speaker 3 Yeah, he's. 47:19 Speaker 1 The guy who see he's the guy who's still in loves the bread for like, making his existence worthwhile. 47:25 Speaker 2 Is he not just stealing the bread to eat? I don't. I don't think he's doing it specifically. 47:28 Speaker 3 Got to eat, so it's worthwhile. 47:31 Speaker 1 I can't remember something. 47:35 Speaker 2 I don't. I don't think the song that's like included bread is my whole world. It's my reason to. 47:41 Speaker 1 Be a whole new a. 47:44 Speaker 3 Whole new bread. 47:46 Speaker 1 Bread is bread, and point of bread I eat bread is bread. 47:58 Speaker 3 Either way. 47:58 Speaker 1 Bread is bread a whole new point of. 48:05 Speaker 3 Bread I may have made. 48:08 Speaker 1 Bread is bread.

Jack's Culinary, Cursed, and Sleep-Deprived Monkey Paw Wishes

48:11 What are your wishes? What are? 48:12 Speaker 1 Bread is bread. Go on. 48:16 Speaker 2 You go on. Yeah, you tell. Yeah. Jack, what are your wishes? Am I, Am I doing my wishes? Yeah. 48:23 Speaker 1 Where you are. 48:23 Speaker 3 Yeah, what are your wishes? 48:25 Speaker 1 What's one of your wishes? 48:27 Speaker 2 I wish for a nice pastrami online. 48:30 Speaker 3 That's my first wish. No mayonnaise. 48:32 Speaker 1 I bet that'd be so good Pastrami, right? 48:38 Speaker 3 Breads a little dry. Breads a little dry. 48:42 Speaker 2 I just did all of The Simpsons once. You can't get. 48:53 Speaker 1 Turkey is a little dry. Turkey is a little dry. 49:05 Speaker 3 That's number one. 49:06 Speaker 2 That's my first one. It's safe, I think. 49:10 Speaker 3 Turkey's all dry safe. 49:11 Speaker 2 And then I'll and then I'll lump it all. 49:13 Speaker 1 Turkey's all dry. Go on, what's your wish? 49:18 Speaker 2 Is that? Is that my? 49:19 Speaker 3 That's your first wish and you get a bit of a dried bread. Take your. 49:22 Speaker 1 Wish whatever you fucking wants to we. 49:24 Speaker 3 Want to preserve me on rye and the Turkey? And do preserve me on rye. Do dry. 49:31 Speaker 1 All right, so being a toxic man, I wish you were. 49:35 Speaker 3 In any of your laws. 49:37 Speaker 2 I am hoping you are glue. 49:40 Speaker 3 Yeah, so which? 49:45 Speaker 1 Jack, where are you wishing for? 49:47 Speaker 2 Prescription to my is is going to be I. I wish for Elon Musk to have bone itis. 49:56 Speaker 3 You know what? No. 49:57 Speaker 1 Nothing wrong with that. 49:58 Speaker 3 Yeah, universal, Universal Good. You can have another wish. That one's for free. 50:04 Speaker 1 You get 9 more wishes. 50:06 Speaker 2 I can't come up with that many. I'll be. 50:08 Speaker 1 No, no, you don't. But yeah. 50:10 Speaker 3 Yeah, you can still have two more. That one's chill. I'm gonna struggle with two. I'm gonna struggle with one more even. 50:20 Speaker 2 Wish #3 is. 50:23 Speaker 3 I mean, Tesla and all of Elon Musk's actions are still going forward, it's just that Elon Musk himself has got bun IS it'd. 50:30 Speaker 1 Be great if Elon Musk just like, gave up the goat and just died. 50:35 Speaker 3 I mean, that would be good, but if you didn't wish that, did he wish for him to have? 50:39 Speaker 2 Bun IS, but bun ISIS will kill him. 50:41 Speaker 3 No, if he freezes himself until he. 50:46 Speaker 1 Vonatus is a thing that's like it can't have the word there it. 50:50 Speaker 3 Was in pain. 50:51 Speaker 2 Out of our hair for like 1000 years, Yeah. And then it'll. 50:54 Speaker 3 Come back and start making stupid things. 50:57 Speaker 1 My only wish is that I have Vonatus. 51:01 Speaker 3 Said away from the mic. 51:04 Speaker 1 This is the. It's fine, but yeah. 51:12 Speaker 2 Wish number three. Let me think. 51:16 Speaker 3 What's your third wish? 51:18 Speaker 2 The at least once a week. 51:21 Speaker 1 Oh, it's a big wish, Frankie with his wish. 51:27 Speaker 3 The perfect ejaculation. 51:29 Speaker 1 At least once a week, he's he's so wish always wants to wait. Go on. 51:33 Speaker 3 You get another perfect wish. 51:36 Speaker 2 No, no, no. Don't do silly things I'm not doing like rule Breakers. 51:41 Speaker 3 Go on. 51:42 Speaker 2 I just want a fucking good sleep at least once a week. 51:46 Speaker 3 Yeah, but the rest of the rest of the week you don't get any sleep. 51:48 Speaker 2 Nothing different than no change. Thanks Monkey Paw for giving this 124. 51:55 Speaker 3 Hour respite. You might sleep well, but your dreams are going to be obnoxious. Liverpool. 52:04 Speaker 2 Absolutely. Football. Yeah. So I have a nice sandwich, a daddy long. No, you don't get a nice sandwich. 52:13 Speaker 3 The prescribe me and the Ryan ice buy everything else to buy it is bad. 52:18 Speaker 2 Yeah, you said the bread is dry, which is normal anyway. Anyway, what are my next wishes? I get like, Oh no, not soggy bread. How am I going to live my life?

Mike's Heartfelt Desires Met with Monkey Paw's Cruelty

52:33 I don't know if if I had my one wish. 52:36 Speaker 3 No 3 wishes. 52:38 Speaker 1 Wish the first would be just be loved. Yeah, it would have been nice though. You're to be loved. 52:48 Speaker 3 Listen, you can be loved unconditionally by someone in Africa that you'll never know. They love you unconditionally next to wish at. 52:57 Speaker 2 Least once a week a large ugly man for. 53:01 Speaker 1 You all right, OK, which? 53:04 Speaker 2 Handsy as well. He's very handsy. It's oh. 53:09 Speaker 3 My God, the name instantly evaporated from my fucking brain. Oh no. 53:14 Speaker 1 Wish #2 I wish I could play any instrument. 53:18 Speaker 3 Cool, you can play one instrument. 53:20 Speaker 1 I'll just say any instrument. 53:21 Speaker 3 Yeah, I'm not any one of those. The flu. The fucking. 53:28 Speaker 1 Are you afraid I wish I could play all instruments ever? 53:34 Speaker 2 Yeah, you can, but you can only not three blood mice on them. 53:40 Speaker 3 It's perfect though. 53:42 Speaker 2 It's wild. It's really it's, it's genuinely really good. That's the only thing you can play on all on all instruments. 53:49 Speaker 1 Which number three? I wish I knew who my father was. 53:53 Speaker 3 You know who your father is? I. 53:55 Speaker 1 Know, but they don't know that I'm doing a bit, I'm doing a bit. 54:00 Speaker 3 Listen, we bought. We all know where your father is. You can go there. 54:06 Speaker 1 But it's in the ground. 54:07 Speaker 3 Yeah, it's not. He's not moving, is he? 54:10 Speaker 1 Can't escape with no one. I'm not gonna learn new information from him. 54:16 Speaker 2 Can't get away from. 54:22 Speaker 1 Me, you can't escape this shit. Shit is fucking grave. No, I'm not going to do that. I'm not silly. I'm not a silly boy. 54:38 Speaker 2 Is that is that wish for you then? 54:40 Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess. 54:41 Speaker 2 Nothing changes then does it? 54:42 Speaker 1 No, I just lived the same life that I've always lived. Me walking up to my. 54:52 Speaker 2 There is a change because of the Monkey Paul rules. The change is is that his name, his full name, date of birth and blood type enters your head three times a day. 55:05 Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess. 55:06 Speaker 3 Whenever you try and think of your own name or blood type or date of birth, it's actually your father's and you can't think of your. 55:12 Speaker 1 Own yeah, it's fine just. 55:15 Speaker 3 Trying to fill out any form going 1978. Wait, no that's not me. Whatevs.

Debating the Albatross's Role and Wrapping Up the Cube

55:23 You wrote a yes. 55:24 Speaker 2 I'm just seeing what the time is. 55:26 Speaker 3 All right, we're at one minute in an hour, so more. 55:31 Speaker 1 Of a sign. 55:32 Speaker 2 Those those are any sort of sign to be shown. Sorry one. 55:35 Speaker 3 2nd like a raincoat girl to the audience. 55:42 Speaker 2 It's nice that you made it nice and loud. That's the latest I've ever heard paper in my life. 55:46 Speaker 1 I heard that I could say the albatross is coming and. 55:51 Speaker 3 That's to say. 55:52 Speaker 1 I don't think we've got anything else to talk about. 55:55 Speaker 2 Like but the albatross isn't. Oh shit what do we talk about next? The albatross is thought this has been going on for 2 1/2 hours. 56:06 Speaker 3 It's been going on for one hour, 1 minute and 51 seconds. Is it? 56:09 Speaker 1 I generally, if you guys don't have anything else for me to talk about, am I normally? 56:13 Speaker 3 Asked about my wishes and the shit Minecraft film. 56:16 Speaker 1 I might have to call it albatross and say we're doing an albatross. The Turkey is talking as in and he's looking at me and Jack in fine. I don't know where he's talking you in. 56:28 Speaker 3 Splash you somebody opened a creaky door. 56:33 Speaker 1 I think we should do an albatross. 56:35 Speaker 3 You want to do an albatross? 56:37 Speaker 2 He's not. He's done it. He's tired. 56:40 Speaker 3 Do you want? 56:41 Speaker 1 To do it then I'm just, I'm just wishful thinking. This should be an albatross. I cannot control the albatross of the cube. 56:52 Speaker 2 You can. You absolutely can. 56:55 Speaker 1 Absolutely can, because. 56:56 Speaker 2 Albatross speaks to you. You are the avatar of the Albatross. 56:59 Speaker 1 I cannot control when the albatross comes. 57:02 Speaker 3 You're Avatar Cora of the Albatross, everyone. I hate you for some reason. 57:08 Speaker 1 I absolutely cannot control when the albatross comes and sweeps over personally. I know you don't like the concept of the albatross. Come in at night to tuck us in. 57:23 Speaker 2 The concepts I like the whole bit about him coming, making sure that we're in bed ready for bedtime. That's fine. That's that's more than fine, I think, right? 57:32 Speaker 1 Which is what happens when we have nothing else to talk about, usually. Usually he talks with him when he goes. You, you guys aren't talking about shit. I've got to tuck you in. 57:43 Speaker 2 The. 57:44 Speaker 1 Amount of times, the amount of times we've ended a podcast where we've we've never had to be talked in the albatross isn't a thing anymore. It has to still be a thing. 57:58 Speaker 2 Never said that the albatross is not a thing. I've I've never said the albatross isn't a thing anymore. 58:03 Speaker 1 No, no, no, no. It doesn't have to be. It doesn't necessarily. That's the thing. Like sometimes we end the episode where we go cool thumbs up. 58:12 Speaker 2 Yeah, which is fine. 58:13 Speaker 1 It's absolutely fine. 58:15 Speaker 2 What's the problem of doing that? 58:17 Speaker 1 What's OK? So what's the wrong? What was wrong with Sometimes we go over the limit, we have nothing else to talk about and then the albatross comes and talks us in. 58:28 Speaker 2 The albatross, specifically the law that we gave that we both said when when we first started talking about the albatross was. 58:38 Speaker 1 The law that we said might not necessarily if. 58:40 Speaker 2 It's game late, right? If we've been doing this for too long, yeah, then the help Shore schools to make sure that we're not doing that anymore. 58:52 Speaker 1 Sometimes, I believe, especially when we don't really realize what we can talk about anymore. 58:58 Speaker 2 But I would say that it is completely unnecessary if we've only been talking for like an hour and. 59:04 Speaker 1 It's always been longer than an hour. 59:06 Speaker 2 And then you say, oh, the outsource is coming out. I I have a quick quick the outsource is here like no. 59:13 Speaker 1 I've got a noise there, I've got a noise there, I see in the sky. 59:19 Speaker 2 Not it's like I can. 59:20 Speaker 1 See it in the clothes? I can see it over there in there. 59:23 Speaker 2 In the we can always see in the clothes because you said that each of its wings is 10 football fields. That's what you said. It's football, so we can see it, we can see it said. 59:35 Speaker 1 So we can see a coin. 59:37 Speaker 2 In Mike's excitement, he made this thing gargantuan. It's like a colossus, no? 59:44 Speaker 1 No, no, not. 59:46 Speaker 2 Too big. 59:47 Speaker 3 The Colossus of Rose. 59:48 Speaker 1 No in brinks. 59:49 Speaker 3 Before this thing. 59:50 Speaker 1 No, in Mike's excitement, Law Acura, this is how big his wings are. 59:57 Speaker 3 Why do you love getting head from your pet, by the way? 1:00:01 Speaker 2 Don't be jealous, sugar, it's very unbecoming. 1:00:04 Speaker 1 Hey Shag, do you ever get? Hey Shag, you answer me this question. Do you ever get ahead from your pet? 1:00:08 Speaker 3 No, because the cat tongue would be really raspy. Raspy. Yeah, raspy. They've got like, fucking. 1:00:18 Speaker 2 It'd be wolf, I don't think. It'd be raspy, I don't think. 1:00:21 Speaker 1 Raspy. 1:00:22 Speaker 2 Raspy, raspy it'd. 1:00:24 Speaker 3 Be raspy. 1:00:29 Speaker 1 Ohh. Look, here's the album drafts coming to Tuckers in. 1:00:33 Speaker 3 As as opposed to the 6 minutes ago when it wasn't here? 1:00:35 Speaker 1 Alright, he was on its way. Look, let's get talked in. Let's do our bit. 1:00:44 Speaker 2 I'm just saying that the albatross is always in the sky anyway. It's not. It's circling. Yeah, you can see it because you can always see it 'cause it never lands. 1:00:51 Speaker 1 All 'cause his wings are so. 1:00:53 Speaker 2 Big in, people in. 1:00:54 Speaker 1 What he gets aggressive about I was. 1:00:57 Speaker 2 Saying from what altitude it's are. 1:00:58 Speaker 3 Is it only the wings that are big? Is its body than the size of a normal altar? 1:01:04 Speaker 2 No, it's a big bird of I. 1:01:07 Speaker 1 Asia's a big bird and I don't want to be like top 10 or like pecked to death or whatever it does. I don't want to know about it. I just want to go. And I just want to say what's the point in going out? We're only going to wind up back here anyway. 1:01:23 And that's my bet. And I've been Michael, and this has been. 1:01:26 Speaker 3 What's your chance in the? 1:01:27 Speaker 1 Cube. 1:01:28 Speaker 2 And I've been Jack, and that's why I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things. 1:01:36 Speaker 3 Then I'll be Queen of Summertime. No, wait. King, King. The climax.

Episode Transcripts

Read the cube

Episode eighteen:
Ugly Kids And Monkey Paw Wishes

Episode eighteen: Ugly Kids And Monkey Paw Wishes

Episode eighteen:
Ugly Kids And Monkey Paw Wishes