Episode Transcripts

0:00

Absolutely disgusting. That's sick. I know. But what are you going to do? You know,

0:07

anyway, as I say, have you hit record? [laughter] Lucky [ __ ]

0:14

play. We've already logged in. Sneaky sack of [ __ ] [music]

0:32

[music]

0:33

You [ __ ] [laughter]

0:37

Yeah. So, uh, episode one. Let's go with uh, drop of the cube. Trapped in the cube. Episode one.

0:45

Yeah. With in. Who gives a [ __ ] It doesn't really matter, does it? Trapped in. Trapped

0:50

with the other. I mean, it matters. It matters if you're like looking it up or searching it. Yeah,

0:57

you know. Uh what the [ __ ] is that podcast called? Um I think it's trapped in the cube. No,

1:04

that's something else. Are we trapped with a cube? Yeah. Search that one. Oh no,

1:08

it's some guy talking from his [ __ ] office desk. Here's the thing. His little cube.

1:12

They're going to know because we'll have made a decision with what he's called on whatever

1:19

we put this on. Well, it'll be available on all places, won't it? Spotify, YouTube,

1:25

Audible, wherever good podcasts are hosted. Just search Joe Rogan and we'll be right

1:30

under that one. Right under. Maybe someone else might be in between. Joe Rogan. Yeah,

1:37

we're coming for you. [laughter] You're doing what for Joe Rogan? [ __ ] did he request buckets?

1:45

Actually, [laughter] buckets have come for Joe Rogan. Special just for you, Joe. just for you,

1:53

Mr. Rogan. I present [laughter] a jar. Do you reckon? Yeah, I do. Whatever you're going to say,

2:01

I do. Yeah, definitely. Do you reckon Joe Rogan's got his own Funko? Oh, yeah. He must do,

2:07

mustn't he? And what differentiate Joe Rogan Funko, too? I don't know. Alex Lex Luthther Funko

2:11

or any other bald man. [laughter] I don't know. They put a microphone in front of it. I don't know

2:18

because he's he's only known for podcasting over like the past few years. He used to be a fighter,

2:22

didn't he? Stand up comedian, I believe. You I think he's done everything. He's not funny. He's

2:27

He's not [laughter] like immediately attacking a man's like, "Yeah, we're coming for you, Joe.

2:36

You're not funny. Me and Jack can take you. Calm down." [laughter] Oh my god. Could you imagine?

02:44

Could you imagine us in a fight against [laughter] Oh my god. [clears throat] [ __ ] killed. I

2:52

think [laughter] he's pretty He's pretty hench. He's hench. He's He's a good fighter is what he

2:56

is. Just pop him in the back of the knees. Head put him in the back of the knees. No, like you

3:02

distract him from the front and I'll poke him in the back of the knee. [laughter] I imagine it's a

3:07

twoon-one situation. It would have to be. I think there's no other way that I would have a chance.

3:14

Have we got weapons? I hope so. What weapons do you reckon they'd load in like a proper fight if

3:20

it was professional and televised? I mean, if it if it was a proper televised proper fight,

3:25

they'll load us weapons. What What do you reckon would be the limit? Oh, what's what's

3:29

like the Obviously, they're not going to give us a knife or a gun. [laughter] Maybe a soft bat.

3:35

Soft bat. Not like [gasps] Maybe one of those uh inflatable hammers you can get from [laughter] the

3:44

Yeah, take that joke. Okay, [laughter] perfect. Yeah, I imagine for safety reasons they'll give

3:52

it to us uninflated. So, you distract him and I'll inflate the weapons. I have [laughter] to

3:56

blow them up midfight. Yeah, he's like punching my head in. I have to [ __ ] Yeah, and I'll be there

4:02

huffing and puffing on this [laughter] inflatable mace. Swinging it around. I'll be with you in a

4:09

minute. I've got bad lung capacity. Oh my god. I would. And dead, deceased. Actually, I I reckon

4:17

he'll go easy on you. [laughter] Absolutely not. Just talk to him about your new conspiracy theory.

4:23

He loves that [ __ ] That [ __ ] Tell him tell him why you think the earth's a sausage. And he'll be

4:30

like, "Why? Tell me that. Oh, that's interesting." No, it's not. And he'd be going, "Wow, really?"

4:37

And they'll be going, "Yeah, really? Absolutely. Wow." Yeah. There's not a debt in my mind. Yeah.

4:42

I'm telling [clears throat] you, Joe, I've seen it. Have you got evidence for this? Nope. [ __ ]

4:47

No. And you you believe the government's hiding this from us, right? Oh, definitely. Yeah. Wow.

4:52

Why would they do such a thing? Oh, they they just they just don't buy into sausage earth. Oh, god.

4:57

Bastards. Yeah. Wow. Well, I believe you. Thank you. [laughter] Thank you. Every Joe Rogan that is

5:04

the Joe Rogan experience. You got it here for free is what [laughter] you I think it already is free.

5:12

Yeah. Yeah. I don't think anyone's paying I don't think anyone's paying for that sch

5:16

slop. [cough and clears throat] Even though it is slop, it is the most listened podcast in the

5:22

world, which I find insane. But he does get some good guests. He does get some good guests. He has

5:28

some clout though, don't he? Yeah. He's got um Yeah, he has a new extravagant guest every week

5:34

to spoon feed him whatever. Yeah, you'll get whatever [ __ ] it is that they've got. You'll

5:40

get in one week um who's that British physicist space guy you'll get Brian Cox on the Joe Rogan

5:48

podcast and then like next episode [ __ ] Russell Brand just yeah pouting out [ __ ]

5:57

out well he pouts don't he does pout and it the [ __ ] comes out when he pouts post he's

6:02

got that MC Jagger energy yeah but I don't know but [ __ ] jagger [laughter] [ __ ] jagger Yeah,

6:10

that's right. We're coming for Joe Rogan and Russell [laughter] Brand. It's about

6:15

It's about time someone took a stand and called Russell Brand out for what he is. Just not funny.

6:21

That's [laughter] the only The only bad thing he's ever done. Not be funny. Oh my lord. That's

6:28

the only bad thing he's ever done. Not be funny. I agree with everything else. And [laughter] it's

6:33

about it's about time. Someone finally stood up and talking down a peg. [laughter]

6:42

I am doing that right now. Oh my god. Oh my [ __ ] lord. Perfect. If you have phoned us.

6:49

Yeah. And you've not left yet. Yeah. [laughter] We are trapped in a cube. Trapped with the cube.

6:54

Trapped in a cube. Whichever one it is. Let's We're going to We're going to finalize it. I

6:59

think we have to make a decision. I think it's trapped in the cube. If you want it

7:02

to If you want it to be in, then it's in. I think it is. I think it's in cuz we're in it,

7:06

aren't we? We are in it. The thick of it. Oh, that would have been

7:10

another good name for a podcast. In the what? The thick of it. Yeah. [laughter]

7:17

Which could be specifically based around the show The Thick of It. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We

7:24

review Oh [ __ ] We review all the episodes, talk about them. Is this Is this a Thick of It

7:30

podcast now? Yeah, I think. I was going to say I'm not I know it's got um Peter

7:35

Kapoli in it. It does have Peter Kapoli in it. He has [clears throat] that one

7:38

famous bit where he has Star Wars where he pretends he doesn't know what Star

7:41

Wars is. Yeah. Yeah. You know that clinky flanky man. As [laughter] I understand it,

7:47

uh he's like the prime minister's aid or something like that. The prime minister's what? [laughter]

7:55

Prime Minister's got what? [laughter] the he works for the government and he he's like he's

8:01

like he's like the cleanup guy for uh so he's a maid so when you said age you meant maid yeah I

8:07

must have missed the ammo that's what he must have been I must I must have misspoke I cannot

8:13

see Peter Kapow in a little black and white maid dress oh I can just going around 10 dining street

8:19

hoovering up that little slag yeah [laughter] [ __ ] old slag thank god So, if you found us,

8:28

we're Mike and Jack. Yeah, Mike and Jack. Jack and Mike. Jack and Mike. Mike and Jack and Ash. Oh,

8:34

yeah. Ash is here as well. Say, "Hey." Say, "Hey, Ash." He looked blankly at us both. [laughter]

8:42

You ignorant piece of [ __ ] That's awful. He's lovely. He is lovely. He is. Does need a trim

8:49

though. He needs a trim. Well, not. Yeah. Just uh M Mike Jack and Ash. Ash, Jack, and Mike,

8:55

whichever way you want to say it. Sometimes there might be a third person here. A fourth

8:59

person. Sometimes might be a fourth person. Yeah, sometimes fourth person. He's not here today. He's

9:05

not here today, but uh soon perhaps. Maybe. Maybe. So, um yeah, I don't know. Maybe jump right into

9:14

it. Uh as it is spooky season being recorded during spooky season at Yeah, I was going to

9:19

say at the time of recording. I mean, this could go live in [ __ ] March. next year. [laughter] Oh

9:27

god. And I'm sure that it'll be Somebody's looking for a new podcast. It'll be just as it is now. I

9:34

really want my um Irish themed, St. Patrick's themed episode of the podcast. [laughter] Well,

9:40

no, only haunts for March 17th. Only spooks. Yeah. Yeah. Uh so yeah, we're midocctober at the moment.

9:50

Um, again, unsure exactly what we're called. In the cube, I think I think in the cube. Yeah,

9:57

trapped in the cube. I'm I'm sticking with that, man. Then we'll have it trapped in the cube. I

10:02

I'll make a note of it somewhere and uh hopefully I'll not, you know, don't worry. Don't worry about

10:10

that. I've been You've been incrementally testing. Yeah, don't you wor you. Sorry,

10:15

we were just doing a headphone check if that made no sense. Um, we are our own son guys. Yeah. Well,

10:23

I've just given up on it. [laughter] Oh, sorry. I am the sounded guy is what I am. Andy and the

10:29

editor. And the editor for the time being. Uh, do you reckon we'll ever get to a point?

10:35

I'm start with the talent. [laughter] Makes it sound like like you're an escort or something,

10:42

which is perfect. Oh, the face that I pulled then. [laughter] No, I'm not I'm not the talent. My name

10:51

ain't Billy. [laughter] [gasps] So, yeah, mid mid mid uh mid October. It's getting close to

11:00

Halloween. Uh thought we might um just make a [ __ ] start. You know what I mean? Uh we're

11:05

going to talk about some um horror movies we like, some horror games we like, maybe a few

11:11

uh authors perhaps. Um I I don't know. It depends how much time we've got. knew. [laughter]

11:20

Beat me to it. I'll beat you to it. Or if you like [ __ ] jokes like that,

11:24

you get them [laughter] in space.

11:29

If no one stops anyone from saying come and says what, then we've done a bad job and we're not

11:36

doing our job correctly. We're not doing our job correctly. If we don't haul everything. [laughter]

11:45

Do I speak first? [laughter] I thought that's what I was I was just going to um I was just listening

11:52

of the um headphones [laughter] to see if the sound was fine. Oh yeah, I've been Yeah. And

11:57

like I thought you were going to give a quick test and your whole test was just silently go.

12:07

For anybody listening, um that's going to sound like dead, but it's not. [laughter] We're We're um

12:14

miming our head nods. Uh but yeah, I know. I just don't know how to start that bit. Yeah. Anyway,

12:20

you want to go into it? Yeah. Films. Yeah. Movies. You want to talk about movies? Yeah. You want to

12:24

talk about spooky movies? Um spooky movies. What do you want to say? Do you want to just list off

12:29

what your favorite spooky movies are? Or do you want to give me like a top four horrors? If you

12:34

can think of four horrors. I mean, of Top four. Do a top five. Oh [ __ ] It's harder. [laughter] Oh

12:41

my god. I've only got three written down. And even one of them just cuz it came to me. But

12:48

my uh my thinking is you'll say your thought four or three. Five. I can come. Yeah. I Sorry,

12:56

there's screaming coming in from outside. Spooky season. Spooky season. Someone's getting murdered

13:00

outside. [laughter] Perfect. Spooky season. Yeah. I'll um you list you list some of your favorite

13:07

horrors and I'll see if it triggers any responses in mine. I'm pretty sure there'll be some overlap.

13:12

I can read you what I've written down. Yeah, tell me what you've written down. Uh, I've written Evil

13:16

Dead. Oh, [ __ ] That's such a good Which one? Yeah, I I just did it as uh the franchise to be

13:22

honest with you. Yeah, but they're so different. They are different. I mean, listen, we're going to

13:27

talk about them anyway. Oh, we got I was we just talk about them as you read them. Oh, I mean Well,

13:33

I'll I'll just tell you what I've got. You want Oh, you want to get through his list? I'll just

13:36

tell you what I've [laughter] got. I'm I'm I'm ready for talk about Evil Dead now. And then as

13:42

soon as you change the subject, I'm not going to be ready to talk about Evil Dead and I want to

13:46

talk about whatever this Elm Street. Yeah, I don't really have a lot to say about that. [laughter]

13:53

Uh I've got Wreck, I've got Thirst, and I've got The Thing. I also written down two more as like a

14:03

I I don't know like me saying this film is [ __ ] [ __ ] and this other film is probably the best

14:08

never to be watched. Go on. Uh one of them is uh Human Centipede. Yeah, I think I've seen it

14:15

once and absolutely garbage film. Uh and the one that's probably best locked away is uh a Serbian

14:23

film. I thought you were going to mention that. As soon as you mentioned um Human Centipede being

14:28

[ __ ] I thought he's going to mention Serbian film cuz I know he likes that film. Uh see,

14:34

I don't know whether it's that I like it or it's just fascinated by the grotesqueness of it. I used

14:40

to like getting people to watch it so that I could get their input about it. I have never seen it.

14:45

Is that's probably for the best. Yeah. Which is weird cuz I've been your friend for ages. Yeah,

14:50

I know. I know. like lifelong friend and I've never seen I am 15 years old. [laughter]

14:59

We have two 15y old men. [laughter] [gasps] My god. No. Every time you mention Serbian film to

15:05

me like, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good. You should watch it." Yeah, definitely. I'm like,

15:08

"No." Everything I'm hearing is so repulsive. Yeah, it's horrible. Um, so what do you which

15:15

one do you want to dissect or do you want me to give you? I mean, do you want to do the shitty

15:19

ones first? get the shitty things out the way. Yeah, sure. You can talk about human centipede.

15:24

I've seen it once a very long time ago. Also, what counts is it? It counts as a body horror, right?

15:30

Uh yeah. Oh [ __ ] Speaking of body horror, I'm going to add The Fly to my list. Oh [ __ ] What

15:34

a great movie. Oh, such a [ __ ] good film. Bit of Croninberg. [ __ ] Oh, I wish I'd written that

15:40

day. I mean, we can still fly. Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely. Anyway, Human Centipede. I've seen the

15:46

first and the second one. I've not seen the third one. There's more than two. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um

15:52

I can't remember the [ __ ] uh the actor's name. Um he was the big guy from Wigan. Yeah, he's from

15:59

Wigan. I've seen him loads of times. Oh, he's from Wigan. [laughter] Yeah. Yeah. [gasps] Yeah.

16:05

He's definitely is. God damn. Yeah, he was in the second one. He's like the main character

16:10

in the second one. He's passed on. No, he's still alive. I'm fairly certain. Oh, I thought he died.

16:15

And everyone was saying, "Oh [ __ ] he's died." and he was from Wigan. I'm like, "Yeah, but you

16:20

know what? I might have to actually look it up. I have not heard that he's died." I'm going to look

16:25

him up. Have a Yeah, have a look. You fill this up. I'll fill this up. Anyway, this is my problem

16:30

with a human centipede and what everyone should problem should be. I don't think I'd be that

16:34

hungry enough to eat [ __ ] [laughter] That's my problem. I don't think I'd be that hungry enough

16:39

to have my lips stitched against another guy's [ __ ] Anyway, so once you get past the whole, oh,

16:47

it disgustes that like, oh, [ __ ] hell. Could you imagine? Could you imagine having your lips sewed

16:52

to an anus? Imagine um just becoming a bigger part of uh a digestive system. That That's all it is,

17:03

isn't it? Once you get past that, it's an over and a half of [ __ ] nothing. It's like a

17:09

thought experiment that's just spread spread out [laughter] spread. Two two of them were spread.

17:17

The one at the back was all right. [laughter] Well, I say all right. They were getting the worst

17:22

[ __ ] He's still alive and he's called Lawrence. Lawrence a Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A

17:30

Yeah, that's him. That's the guy. I know you know what he looks like, but I'm just

17:33

showing the listeners. [laughter] [screaming] Put it against the microphone so they can see.

17:39

Oh my god. But yeah, that's it. It's just a [ __ ] boring Nothing happens film. Um,

17:46

where do you reckon's the best place to be placed in the human center? Oh, the fun. You

17:51

can't have the fun. Absolutely fun. What you [laughter] can't have the fun? I guess it's I

17:55

guess it's the back then. [screaming] [laughter] [gasps] Is your thinking that if you're the back,

18:02

your asshole's intact? is all your game. Your asshole's intact and you don't have

18:06

to have someone like just slopping on your bum cheeks. But that could feel nice anyway.

18:13

God, as someone who's seen it, you know what? I agree. [laughter] I agree. Actually, put me

18:19

in the back. As someone who's seen it, right, explain to me this. So, I'm assuming the guy

18:26

at the front gets real meals. Yeah. So the guy at the front gets real meals and he's he gets to have

18:32

someone lick his ass all over which might feel good for him. He gets the guy at the front five

18:38

star food made by a Michelin star chef [laughter] and he gets his salad tossed all day every day. I

18:47

cannot [laughter] think of a better life. [gasps] That guy's great. But anyone behind him Yeah.

18:53

awful. So obviously if you eat waste or if you eat your own waste Yeah. it's just going to process

19:03

down and it's just going to be less and less and less and less, right? Yeah. Less uh nutrients and

19:09

everything cuz you [ __ ] out all the bad [ __ ] anyway. Your body takes in all the good stuff.

19:14

Well, um [ __ ] is also made up of uh the stuff that your body couldn't absorb as it's going

19:19

through you. So if you have too much protein, your your shit's going to be full of protein.

19:24

If you have too much fiber, [laughter] your shoe's going to be full of fiber as well. Yeah.

19:29

Like one of them horse poos, which is nothing but nothing but stringy. [laughter] Would not

19:36

recommend. Is it Is that no good? No. Should I not? Okay. No. Don't have horse poo. Never have

19:43

horse poo. If you If you can hear that, that's Ash bringing in his two cents [laughter] about I don't

19:50

think he can. I mean, dogs eat their own [ __ ] right, from time to time. Yeah, that's true. Um,

19:56

I think that's more of like a they want to make themselves sick. Eat grass. Anyway, my point

20:02

being at the very end of the Human Centipede, what's coming out? Is it like [ __ ] or is it

20:08

not? Or do they not go into that? Are you asking what the state of the steel is going to be? Yeah,

20:13

cuz as a viewer, that's what I'd want to know. the main takeaway from the entire [laughter] that's

20:18

like I want to know what the poo looks like when it comes out at the very end [laughter] and I'd

20:23

want to go oh that's interesting this person's not getting enough nutrient so oh west I said this poo

20:28

it turns out and could someone who was smart take that poo and figure out what the person right at

20:35

the front has eaten I mean yeah probably it'd be difficult surely because that's like stage three

20:43

[ __ ] isn't It'd be longer than stage three. Were these human centipedes long? In the first film,

20:49

it was just three. All right. Second film it was 12. They ramped it up. Oh, they ramped it up. And

20:56

then the third film it was an entire country. The third film, uh, I've not seen it, but it's set in

21:04

a prison. Oh, so you And it's like there's like I I don't know like 100 people long. That No,

21:12

that's insane. Do I draw the line? That's it. I've had enough. Stop the podcast. Stop it. No. Enough

21:19

now. [laughter] How can you make like a franchise around that concept? I don't know. The only thing

21:27

because I was thinking about this. Um, the only thing that I can think how they got a budget for

21:33

the second film is that enough people bought into the first one because it is something that hasn't

21:38

been done before. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And despite it being a shy film, like genuinely

21:45

boring as [ __ ] I feel like still enough people bought it and it it got it made enough money. Do

21:53

you know what I mean? I feel like it's come about by two guys like us just chatting [ __ ] going,

22:00

I wonder if you like stitched a guy's lips to a guy's [ __ ] and then he ate the [ __ ] and

22:05

then what he [ __ ] Oh, put another person in his household and he eats his [ __ ] Oh,

22:11

[ __ ] Yeah. I wonder I wonder what that would be like. And then that's as far as it went and

22:16

that's it. Yeah. So, they don't delve into the scientific research of what the poo does or what

22:21

is it? Are they just walking around? What the poo does? [laughter] That's the main character,

22:25

right? The meal and then the poo. The poo. The poo is the main character. Exactly. gave me a

22:30

Disney Pixar Inside Out, [laughter] which is about the the bodies. [cough] God damn. Also,

22:38

what's stopping these people from like, yeah, it'll hurt, but what's stopping these people

22:42

from really like just if my lips were stitched to a guy's [ __ ] I feel like I've got enough

22:47

force in my head to pull back and just pull right off. It isn't just the lips, though. like um they

22:55

were grafted from like the cheeks up to the uh ear and then the cheeks of the [laughter] guy

23:04

in front up to like the hip. Do you know what I mean? Does the skin eventually grow over or is

23:12

it still stitching? Cuz I feel like I could pull that off. It'd be painful, but I feel like I could

23:15

do it. The story itself doesn't like it isn't it isn't over like weeks, months. Yeah. It's like no,

23:23

you know what I think? So, sort of looking back at we're talking about this movie a lot more than

23:28

I thought we would. [laughter] I'm fascinated. Oh my god. [laughter] Yeah. You want to move on

23:36

to another [ __ ] film? We're here now. We're here now. From what I can wait till next week

23:42

when we're still talking about the human center. [laughter] When we go on to the second movie. We

23:48

are trapped in the centipede. [laughter] It's our podcast search trapped in the centipede [laughter]

23:58

from what I can remember. Imagine [laughter] if we like story,

24:02

right? If we were got trapped in a centipede and then the whole narrative was we were in the

24:07

middle of a centipede but doing a podcast [laughter] and then the whole podcast was

24:16

[ __ ] Just do. What are you? You all right about

24:22

I'm having a horrible time. Hey [ __ ] [laughter]

24:30

And that's trapped in the center of [laughter]

24:35

the [ __ ] lord. Somewhere. So the story takes place over a week. Yeah,

24:40

something like that. Do any of them die or what happens if the guys in the middle die? Yeah. Um,

24:46

you know, I can't I can't actually remember if someone in the centipede dies. Like the middle or

24:53

the back I think might actually die. The front guy is like um if someone in the middle dies,

24:59

the person who's cell taped to the guy stapled to the guy that's dead. He ain't getting any

25:08

excrement from that, is he? Uh, I mean long term is no. Yeah, you might get some like No,

25:16

cuz the body's got to like push it out. Like I know the body can still produce [ __ ] after a

25:22

while, but you know, we've all heard of like monging. Is that what it is? Felchin. No,

25:27

that's not Monging. Monging. That's the one. Took [clears throat] a little bit of Yeah. Great for

25:34

that one. If you want to know listeners monkey, [laughter] it's probably best. It's probably for

25:40

the best. They don't know. Look it up. Regardless of if they want to or not. Look it up. [laughter]

25:48

Endorsed here first. Trapped in the cube. Brought to you by Mangor. [laughter]

25:59

Imagine people pay money for that. Someone's got [laughter]

26:03

[gasps] Someone's got it. There's that's got to be a CD operation somewhere. Like you go

26:08

to a coroner. Oh, CD. I'll give you 75 quid and let me m this person. [laughter] You know, but I

26:17

always find like in my head it was always better if the corpse was dug up like it tasted different.

26:22

I don't know. [laughter] You don't want it from a coroner. The body will all be like frozen. You

26:27

want that bloated belly and gas. That is what you want. So when you allegedly So when you land on

26:34

So when you land on it, I thought [laughter] we weren't going to tell them. No, they can figure

26:37

out through context clues. Context clues. Yeah. So that's my thoughts on Human Centipede, right?

26:44

Okay. What's another [ __ ] [ __ ] movie? Uh not necessarily [ __ ] cuz it is well shot. Uh is um a

26:53

movie called Serbian Film. Oh yeah. I've I've also not seen that. [clears throat] Again, probably

27:00

best not to. I've heard horrible things. It's It's a difficult watch and uh when the credits roll,

27:07

what makes it a horror? You only feel bad. Is it just cuz it's just disgusting what you're

27:12

watching? Does that make it a horror? It's Yeah, it's like it's like sort of psychological sort of

27:18

body horroring part. [snorts] Yeah. Yeah. What is the plot of Serbian film? Um set in Serbia. Oh,

27:26

so it's not about one of those things that like people sit on and just ride until they, you know,

27:32

get off. Yeah. So, it's not like a Cibian film. It's not a Sian. That'd be a lot nicer to watch.

27:38

Oh, that would be a lot more palable on the eyes and ears [laughter] and I'd feel less guilty if

27:44

I got off to that. God damn. So, the plot, uh, I cannot remember any of the characters names. Um,

27:54

main character uh is Joe Sian. John Serbian. It's John Serbian, right? And John Serbian is

28:03

a retired porn star. He's like in his 50s, call it. Oh, so I'm not that far off with the Serbian

28:10

thing. Not that far away. Uh, regarded as the best porn star that Serbia has ever seen. All

28:20

right. Okay. But he's retired now. That's it. Done. Right. [laughter] John Serbian,

28:28

we've got one more mission for you. I mean, [laughter] we've got one more job.

28:36

[laughter] This uh he gets reached out. Yeah. [laughter]

28:47

Cuz it sounds [clears throat] like reach your own. That's why All right. Okay. He gets reached out to

28:51

by um [laughter] by this uh director who who he who wants to cast him. He he wants uh he wants

29:00

John Serbian in his Serbian film. Yeah. Right. In this uh contemporary sort of pornographic,

29:08

but he wants the best. He wants he wants the guy that can [ __ ] Do you know what I mean? It's like

29:14

the whole we need um what's his name? We need Bruce Willis to drill a hole in this asteroid

29:19

and only he can do it. Yeah. No one else can. He's the best driller around. [laughter] He's

29:23

the best hole driller on the planet. We are not going to train astronauts to drill a hole. We

29:30

will get this normal man and his normal oil crew. [laughter] We'll teach it. Somehow it's easier to

29:37

teach them to be astronauts than [laughter] it is to teach an astronaut to turn on a drill. No,

29:43

it's not. You gota you've got to have Bruce Willis going up into space because he's the only man that

29:49

can drill. Do you know um [laughter] did you know Ben Affleck who was it who directed the film? It

29:55

was it was Michael Bay was it? Armageddon. Yeah, it was Michael Bay. I know. Ben Affleck famous

30:00

story. Ben Affleck went to Michael Bay and he proposed to him that exact same question. He went,

30:06

"Hey Mr. V. [laughter] Hey Mr. B. Hey. Um, hey Michael, wouldn't it be easier to um send

30:15

astronauts up and train them to drill and then Michael Bay turned around to Ben Affleck and said,

30:19

"Shut the [ __ ] up. Let's just make this film." [laughter] [ __ ] hell. It's one of those films

30:24

I want to watch. I've got it on DVD and I probably got the commentary track on that DVD,

30:27

but I need to listen to it. I've never have done. But apparently the commentary track is just Ben

30:33

Affleck talking about how [ __ ] the film is and the concept. [laughter] He's not wrong,

30:40

but I really like the film Armageddon. You know, you got Liv Tyler in there. You got

30:45

Live Tyler. Daughter of Steve Tyler. The daughter of Steve Tyler. Steve Tyler did that song. Steve

30:51

Tyler did that song. I don't want to close [laughter] my eyes. Oh, I'm singing again. I

30:57

don't want to. Anyway, you absolutely wanted to. Servian film. Servian film. So, the only

31:03

man available for the job. The best. the best driller. The best driller technically has ever

31:11

seen. [snorts] Um, [clears throat] each scene that this uh director Mhm. wants this guy to do. Why is

31:19

this guy so good at porn? Like, what makes him the best? Big dick. Is that it? Large penis. Uh,

31:27

can get an election on command, I think, is one of his, uh, party tricks. Come when called for,

31:33

maybe. Yeah. Yeah, he can do it all. He's the best. It is. Yeah, just I mean I I don't know

31:44

what the uh it's been a while since I've seen this one as well to be honest with

31:48

you. [laughter] Uh I can only go off and you not get hard on demand. I mean, does this answer

31:56

your question? [screaming] [laughter] [gasps] Watch this. Hey listeners, get ready for this.

32:06

Hard. [laughter] Yeah. Soft. Here's here's the biggest trick of all. Soft. But come [laughter]

32:21

Yeah, but come. Oh, imagine if you ejaculate while flaccid. Ejaculated while while flacid.

32:30

It just be [ __ ] dribbling all over the place,

32:32

wouldn't it? Which is terrible. Be weird. You wouldn't be shooting ropes,

32:36

are they? You just be dribbling. You'd be dribbling ropes. Yeah, you'd be [laughter]

32:42

Unless it still came out with like full force. I feel like it had pushed the penis back quite a

32:47

bit. You know, like there'll be some recall on the like a fireman's hose. Is that what you're getting

32:53

at? Kind of. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Ash agrees. I just [laughter] so each scene that this

33:03

guy wants to film and [clears throat] it is like a lot of it is very contemporary like sort of like

33:09

though that's weird actually that is that even considered porn. Does he film in black and white?

33:14

He doesn't. Oh, I thought he would cuz he might be artsy fartsy like that. I mean we can watch it in

33:20

a bit if you want. I don't want to. I know you I I don't really want you to. I don't think he's such

33:25

an innocent boy. I don't want your mind ruined. But [laughter] but [snorts] yeah, each scene gets

33:32

uh increasingly more strange, more violent as well. Um it it doesn't [laughter] I mean it

33:42

it it shows you a lot of [ __ ] you know what I mean? It it it isn't scared of being like,

33:48

"Hey, don't use your imagination. You don't have to because I'm going to show you all

33:53

of it." Right? crescendo like so like where is in seven they showed you the

34:00

um the bladed dildo but they didn't actually show it being but when I always remember that I'm like

34:07

oh yeah that scene was horrible and then when I rewatch I'm like there's no scene in there. Yeah,

34:11

you we just remember it being but the whole visual alone is enough cuz your mind creates

34:18

that absolute horror of what that poor woman would have gone through. Oh god no disgusting. Not that

34:23

I'd want to see that on a film. Yeah. If any director was brave enough though, [laughter] do

34:30

it or not. [snorts] Absolutely not. So, yeah. So, the crescendo of um Sibian. [laughter] Yeah. Yeah.

34:41

Of uh Serbian film. um when the uh director mid scene uh is just really happy about about

34:55

what he's filming and he when you say really happy he's like got got an erection. Is that

35:01

why he's what you're saying? It's like he's that he's really happy about what he's filming. No,

35:04

he's he's just beaming. He's just smiling from ear to ear. and he says something like

35:10

um [ __ ] he says something that along the lines of this is a true Serbian family. [laughter]

35:22

Is that like his catchphrase? No, it's the only time he says it in the

35:25

movie. [laughter] My god. I'm not going to go into what what's happening. Uh you're talking

35:32

about the baby scene, right? No, there's no baby in it. There's no baby in it. No,

35:36

I always that's what I always heard about I always heard Serbian film had a a graped

35:41

baby scene. Oh [ __ ] You know what? Yeah. That's why I thought it was all like that's

35:46

why everyone was talking about it. Yeah. Yeah. So that's not even the most disgusting thing.

35:51

It's not the [ __ ] baby [cough and clears throat] getting raped. Nothing that. You know

35:58

what that says? I loved it. [laughter] You know what? I will not have you speak ill of the baby

36:04

grape. [gasps] Oh my god. Go [laughter] on. Go on. Defend the baby scene. I don't think I can.

36:15

I [laughter] thought that was what everything was building to. Oh my god. How does it get

36:21

worse? I don't think I should [laughter] say. At least at least not on not on being

36:27

uh recorded. I I will I will tell you later on.

36:31

again. Don't tell don't you know what? Subscribe to our Patreon, man. [laughter]

36:38

That isn't set up yet. If you want if you want me to talk in more depth about Serbian

36:42

film, [gasps] you will have to pay me for it. Yeah, that's fair. When that's set up

36:48

and if there's demand for it, we'll just do a secret episode which is just Jack going in on

36:54

um why baby grape is um No, not by that. [laughter] No, no. You're just you're not

37:02

elevated enough to understand the nuances of it. [laughter] It's about the innocence.

37:15

[laughter]

37:15

[gasps] What I'm getting at is that there are more graphic things that are being shown,

37:20

right? Do you know what I mean? That happened for a lot longer. Yeah. It sounds like it would be

37:25

nauseating to watch. Yeah. [clears throat] Yeah. You have um reminded me of um horror films. Have

37:32

you ever heard of a a series of films called The ABCs of Death? Yes. Have you seen any of them?

37:39

I've seen the first one. I've seen a long time ago. I've seen I think I've seen the first one.

37:44

I've seen the second one. And I don't know if you knew this. They did they did a film which was all

37:53

M's. So like essentially the concept of ABC's of death if you didn't know it was like here's an or

38:00

here's a horror short directed to layer A horror short directed letter B C D E and so on. Yeah.

38:06

And it's it's a different v director for everyone as well. Each one. Yeah. It's really good if you

38:10

want to watch it. Yeah. Definitely. One of them that really stood out to me cuz you were talking

38:14

about Serbian film and it just stuck with me in such a horrific way was um the whole concept. I

38:21

can't remember if it's in the first or the second one. Or it could have been the one that was all

38:24

ends. Don't know why. Um, again, it's not even called ABC's Death. It's like ABC's of Death 2.5

38:32

or something like a mid one, but there's nothing in the title that suggests you're watching all M

38:36

related films. I imagine they just got an influx of like really good M short horror films. Anyway,

38:43

I think it's in the second one, but um the plot is is there's a guy in a room. Honestly, sorry,

38:52

sidetracked. Human centipede probably should have been in ABC's The Death cuz that's just Yeah,

38:57

that that could have been 10 minutes. Yeah, that could be 5 minutes easily. So, yeah. Anyway,

39:02

there's one so one story that really me cuz it's so horrific and it just like it sends like it's

39:08

just chilling. So, it's like there's a guy in a room. He's strapped to a chair and then he's

39:13

presented with like a beautiful woman or anything. He's got to masturbate. He's got to come and if

39:18

he comes he survives and then he's got to keep going and then they keep changing the image out.

39:23

Have you seen this one? It it's it's familiar. [clears throat] So they keep changing the image

39:28

or the image. It's not an image. It's a person. So like but I think he's in competition with someone.

39:34

So I think there's like two of them and it's the first one to come gets to live basically.

39:39

So, uh, bring out a sexy woman, quick wine craz, see who comes first, who if you don't,

39:46

you you get out. It's like a sort of Hunger Games situation, [laughter] I guess. It's a real battle

39:53

royale come. Um, it is it's essentially just a battle royale, which is you and someone else,

39:58

and then someone gets swapped in and whatnot. And then eventually the images get weird. So,

40:03

it's like I don't know, set of drawers, cupboard, and then the the last one that they bring out is

40:08

just a [ __ ] child, you know, and then this guy is in this chair and he's like thinking, "Oh,

40:14

can't do this. This I think I'm going to lose this round." And then he turns and see they wheeling

40:19

in his next. He's clearly a [ __ ] sex pest. And he's licking his lips and he's all excited

40:24

about it. He's probably already come. [laughter] It's just how and that's just how it ends. And I

40:30

just thought that really sucked me. That one's some one about a fat woman who doesn't want to

40:35

be fat and ends up like shaving us shaving her body off. Yeah, that one only French one though,

40:41

I think. I think it was I can't remember what it was, but that one sticks out with me because um it

40:45

was [ __ ] horrific to look at. Um [laughter] was another one Chinese or Japanese? Oh,

40:54

that sounds racist. Um or Asian people. I I don't know. I don't know. [laughter] I can't remember.

41:00

I'm going to go with Japanese because it was um there's a few Japanese ones in there. There's one

41:05

about some woman just farting in people's faces. That was weird. Makes a guy's face all tiny.

41:11

Everyone's seen that famous GIF meme where that guy with a dead tiny face. That's from one of the

41:16

um ABCs of death. There's another good anthology series very similar called um I think it's called

41:22

VHS. There's a few of them. I think a new one's just come out and I've seen VHS one and two,

41:29

I believe. Yeah, I think I've seen them both. I like those sort of horror films cuz it's like I

41:34

think horror as a concept is good. Like I have a concept for a story, but I don't want to flesh it

41:42

out. And I feel if I do flesh it out, it's not scary anymore. Yeah. Like I also really like

41:49

them cuz it's snappy. It's to the point and you don't need an explanation for things, you know,

41:54

still a [ __ ] in it. It's just this is the scary thing and this is why it's scary. No,

42:00

it's over. Like the worst thing about horror films or any or any spooky film is when everything's

42:06

been explained, the the monster, the slasher, whatever it is, the person has been shown,

42:12

it's not scary anymore. You're just getting to the end. You know what I mean? But the whole illusion

42:18

of oh this is interesting and I think with like 5 10 minute short 15 minute shorts sticks with you

42:25

a bit longer like like I think it's easy to come up with concept like I've always thought about

42:29

um like a short horror which would be like do you know the concept of like you know you can

42:34

feel someone watching you what if someone was watching you but every time you'd looked they

42:39

just were gone you know but they are there but you can never see them but other people

42:45

can't like they they don't exist if they're observed upon, for example. And this person,

42:51

let's just say he can only regain sort of like a corporeal presence back if he murders you. But

42:59

if he's observed by anybody, he um you know, he vanishes. He's he's he's disappeared until he's

43:06

completely not observed by anyone. But he he has a specific person that he has to kill, you know.

43:12

So, I don't know that as a concept. Mine's coming out. What? When's it coming out? I

43:17

don't know. [laughter] When are you making it? But that as a concept would work for like 10,

43:22

15 minutes. I feel like I could literally with my shitty expertise of nothing. I reckon I could put

43:31

that concept on film with a shitty camera and a mic or whatever. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it hit home

43:37

what it needs to hit home. But stretching that out to like [ __ ] 40 minutes. 40 minutes films

43:41

are even that short. [laughter] I wish some films were 40 minutes. Stretching that out to an hour

43:46

and a half, that would be a slo. Like you get some films like um one came out recently. I I can't

43:52

remember the title, but uh one of our friends saw it. Um guy mine guested on this I think every now

43:59

and again, but he's it's essentially just people trapped in the in a pool outside. Oh yeah. [ __ ]

44:06

That that's the whole [ __ ] film. They're just in a pool outside and there's a killer about. I don't

44:11

know why they can't get out. There's a reason. I don't think I'd want to. Yeah. I don't I I don't

44:16

think I'd want to watch that for over an hour. But essentially, that is the film. Yeah, cuz how how

44:22

do you even It's a haunted pool. That's it. It's a haunted pool. You can't get out. It's a scary

44:31

pool. Yeah, it's a spook pool. A spool. [laughter] That's just what you wine bobbins around. Wine

44:39

boobins on. [laughter] I thought you were just getting really excited for boobs then. Um Oh my

44:47

god. We talk about good horror films. I would love to. I would love to actually away from this pieces

44:54

of [ __ ] But one of my favorite horror films of all time is The Thing. That's what I've got down

45:01

as well. I just think like I I I put Alien in with it as well. And then I feel like bad for going

45:07

Alien and The Thing. My favorite horror films cuz they lean more into sci-fi. I'm a very I'm more

45:12

of a sci-fi kind of guy when it comes to anything genre wise. Give me something in space. I'm like,

45:17

"Oh yeah, I'll watch that. Cyberpunky, whatever. I prefer futuristic sci-fi settings for stories."

45:24

You could even go as far as said the first Terminator is a horror film. Yeah. You know,

45:27

like in the slasher category. But no, um I think the things one of my favorite horror

45:33

films and then alien probably second favorite. Just the level of suspense that they build up.

45:39

Yeah. The [ __ ] soundtracks phenomenal. It's like it's one of those soundtrack tracks that

45:44

makes you feel tense like constantly from the start to the very end. It's just a there's

45:51

if you were to hum the theme stream from the thing, you can't cuz it is just [clears throat]

46:02

and it's just that I was feeling sad. Do do a bit

46:06

more no cuz I feel it won't [laughter] come across well.

46:12

But essentially I think most of the soundtrack is just that. But um yeah,

46:18

it's just it's it's it's not really a um a certain track. It's more certain design,

46:26

isn't it? It's more Yeah. It isn't it isn't music. It's it's just just

46:32

noises. Just noises that make you [laughter] feel uncomfortable. Yeah. But Yeah. Yeah. Uh

46:37

there's there's a real feeling of uh claustrophobia. Dread to it. Dread.

46:43

Dread. [laughter] I agree with you. It was just just funny that you said it before. [laughter]

46:53

I like I think what makes it so good is it's the biggest fear of all time. It's the fear

46:58

of unknown. Yeah. Cuz you don't know who to trust. You don't know what's what. It takes me a while to

47:03

figure out that there's even a a thing knocking about and that is the only word for it. Yeah,

47:10

cuz it is a thing. They do give you some lore in the film and I think it's just enough to not

47:17

make you go, "All right, so it's an alien. Is it Crest spaceship? Is it frozen thing that it came

47:22

out of?" Yeah, that's enough. I think there is a part of me that goes, I would love to know more.

47:28

I don't necessarily need to know more. And I feel like if I knew more about what planet

47:32

did it come from, what's it species like? Who built the spaceship? Did it turn into something

47:38

that flew the spaceship? What does it originally look like? I don't need all that, but a part of

47:44

me still wants it, but I feel that I'd ruin it completely, but I I absolutely love the thing.

47:49

One for the special effects alone. I was I was going to bring that up because practical effects

47:55

will trump special effects, like the sort of CGI [ __ ] Oh, yeah. Every day, every day of the week,

48:02

practical effects will win. Hard agree. had hard agree to like the point where if it's made with

48:08

the mindset of you, you know, right, you need to do practical effects like they did on the thing,

48:13

you need to have all your shots done to a tea. Like if you film it from any other angle, it

48:18

falls apart. So if you're lazy with your practical effects, they can look weak, you know, or cheap or

48:23

whatnot. But I feel if you're not doing it, it's you can do practical practical effects and make

48:29

them look like [ __ ] But you can also do a lot of CGI. Make it look like [ __ ] Easier than it

48:36

is to do practical effects, I think. Oh, yeah. I mean, for like CGI stuff, you you have to spend

48:42

money on it. You have to spend a shitload of money on it. Like, did you hear about the story in like

48:47

the prequel to the thing that came out where um everyone had a go at it cuz it was like you're

48:53

not using practical effects. It looks [ __ ] They built a lot of [ __ ] practically and then they

48:58

just replaced it with digital models. Yeah, I know. So, the director could film from certain

49:03

angles or he wanted things done on a different shot. I'm like, but we've built this to look

49:07

on from this point of view. It looks really good. And it's like, no, but I don't like it.

49:12

Got rid of it. Done. Insane. I did I did enjoy the prequel, but I would have I would have loved

49:20

it if it wasn't full of CGI. Yeah, I think for me as a prequel that came out in like the mid 2000s,

49:28

I can't remember when it was. I feel like Mary Elizabeth Weinstead was in it, weren't you sure?

49:34

Yes. I feel like they spoke to they sounded modern with the language. Like when I was watching it,

49:41

it didn't feel like a bunch of people from the 70s. Yeah. Or 80s. It just felt modern with the

49:48

way they were talking. I know it wasn't, but it was still it was serviceable. It was a serviceable

49:53

prequel. It was fine cuz like But then again, it it does that thing like where the first thing

49:58

where they go to that um was it a Russian sort of camp or something? It was it was something.

50:05

I can't I can't remember. They go to that outpost and then the whole question is, "Oh, I wonder what

50:09

happened to this outpost." And it serves that answer of like, "Oh, this is what happened."

50:13

And it's like, I didn't really need that question, but no, the thing's [ __ ] fantastic.

50:19

Just the whole scene like probably one of my favorite scenes was where they're all testing

50:23

the blood. I don't like the way that um bit of copper sounds in the bowl though. It scrapes it

50:29

goes through me. I mean that as well you you could say design. It's just made to make you feel you

50:37

specifically. [laughter] It's made to make you feel uneasy. And even though in a rewatch I do

50:43

forget like who is the thing? Oh no. This person the thing. Yeah. Is Kurt Russell the thing in

50:49

the end? Is it Kurt Russell? It is Kurt Russell. Is Kurt Russell the thing in the end? Is it the

50:55

other guy? Is it his friend? Is he also the thing? Are they both the thing? I think I think that the

51:03

only real safe bet is that Kurt Russell isn't the thing. Yeah, because he's more main character in

51:09

it. Yeah. Whereas everybody else there's there's at least a slight chance that they are the thing.

51:16

I would like to think that they were both human at the end and they just both don't trust each other,

51:21

which is natural. You wouldn't. Yeah. But Yeah. Yeah. But if you've played the thing PS2 game,

51:27

it's it's not Kurt Russell's fine. And then the game continues. But [snorts] I've not played

51:33

it. I've not played it. And the remaster is coming out, you know, apparently this

51:37

year. Oh yeah. But [clears throat] by Night Dive Studios who just do all the old remasters. So,

51:45

Alien as well. Very similar to why I really like it. Just that suspense. I don't think you see the

51:51

alien for ages in that film. You don't you don't see it for a [ __ ] very long time. Or at least

51:57

not in full view. Not in full view. No, you see like silhouettes of it. Yeah. Silhouette like

52:03

it's shape in the dark. And the and the beauty of that film is like especially the beauty of

52:09

that film if you've seen it for the first time which ruins it with any sequels and stuff because

52:13

we all know what a xenomorph looks like now. Our minds can't really like comprehend what that is.

52:19

Like what is it? It doesn't look like anything to me. Like when you see a leg or like its elongated

52:24

head or a tail or it in the rafters or whatever it is on the ship, [laughter] you're like what

52:30

the rafters? He's on the ceiling. Like, let him down. The [ __ ] is What is that? I've never seen

52:37

anything like that. And then you want to you want to see the full thing and then when you finally

52:41

see the full thing like stand up, it's like a [ __ ] that's terrifying. That's absolutely [ __ ]

52:45

terrifying. Which I always like I I always prefer, this is like controversial. I think I prefer the

52:52

first Alien film to Aliens. I just prefer that mood, that suspense, that atmosphere that the

52:59

first Alien is. Whereas like I completely agree with you. I think I think they fell off quite

53:04

quick. A lot of people I don't think Aliens is a bad film. No, no, no, no, no. But I think a lot of

53:10

people's there's a decline. There's a decline. A lot of people prefer Aliens cuz there's more

53:15

action in it. There's more whatever. Jim Cameron's directed it has just come off doing Terminator 2

53:21

and a lot of people argue Terminator 2 is better. Again, very Terminator 1 and Terminator 2 are very

53:27

similar to the Alien and Aliens cuz it's like first one being stark, suspenseful slasher kind

53:34

of vibes and then the second one of both sequels very bombastic, very fast, very bombastic. There

53:42

you go. Yeah. But yeah, it's very that is it. It's like Terminator 2 is all action. It's all it's fun

53:49

action and so aliens is but that whole military guys being dude bros going in fighting like the

53:55

first alien was considered like oh how the [ __ ] do we kill this thing we can't then you just got a

53:59

bunch of military guys with like guns and they ripping through a load of them like nobody's

54:04

business and the whole and every Alien film falls short of this. You'll never get back the tension

54:10

of someone having a face hugger attached to the face and having something gestate inside them.

54:14

Yeah, cuz they thought at the time with that you thought the guy who got um William hurt,

54:20

you thought he was fine and then couple of days or a couple of hours go by and then his chest starts

54:26

exploding when now we're all waiting for it. We all know we're waiting for it cuz we've all seen

54:31

this like there's been about like seven of these films now and it's like someone gets attacked with

54:36

a face. We're all waiting for this chest burst to come out. And I think the directors know that

54:40

and they're all like, "All right, let's just make it happen quick. Let's have Let's have this thing

54:45

attached to this guy's face. Let's have this thing burst out of his chest. Let's get this alien on

54:49

screen now. Fully grown alien there. Boom." You know, and it's like there's no suspense. There's

54:54

no waiting. And I suppose you can't do that anymore cuz we all know we all know what's coming

54:59

and we want that. I'd be bored if I watched a new alien film. You're taking your time a bit, aren't

55:04

you? get to the alien [laughter] cuz it's one of those things. Yeah, you can't do it again. It's

55:12

one of those things that you can't do it again. Alien is an absolutely fantastic film and it is

55:15

only enjoyed like not once but going forward with the lore of what they've created in that world.

55:21

You can't it's hard to make it entertaining. Alien Romulus was fine. That's my review of Alien. It

55:29

was fine. It was fine. It was okay. [laughter] It was fine. It didn't do anything groundbreaking.

55:36

Didn't do anything extra. It was just fine. I I I don't think I got spooked once during it,

55:42

though. Well, that's no good for this uh podcast. Spooky season, is it? God damn. I'd say we both

55:50

watched horror recently. Well, I watched it last year, but you watched it yesterday. Yeah,

55:54

I watched it last night because I thought, hey, [laughter] I'll bring up something new for this

56:01

uh for this recording now. The movie's called Talk to Me. It's on Netflix. I'm talking to you.

56:10

It's on Netflix at the time. It's on Netflix at the time of recording. At the time of recording,

56:14

it's on Netflix. I think it's one of those only on Netflix things. It's probably going to stay

56:20

on there for a long time. Was it a Netflix original? I don't think they call it Netflix

56:24

visuals anymore. I don't [ __ ] know. I don't know what they're doing. But yeah, I [snorts] just

56:29

don't know. I'm going to try [laughter] cuz I saw it a year ago. I'm going to try and recap what I

56:37

think the plot is and then you can you can tell me otherwise where I'm wrong. Bunch of friends,

56:43

Australians. It is an Australian film. I believe it's Australian. Bunch of Australian friends. Um

56:49

there's this denomic mannequin hand. Looks like a mannequin hand anyway, is it? Um,

56:56

they're having a couple of house parties and the whole crux is you hold on to the hand, you say,

57:02

"Talk to me." And then a dis then a spirit attaches itself to the hand and has a chat with

57:07

you and you feel a rush. Yeah. Right. But if you hold on to it too long, the spirit or demon can

57:14

get inside you. Yeah. Right. Um, do you want me to uh start attaching specifics? Yeah. Yeah. Uh,

57:22

the hand [clears throat] is an embarmed hand of a medium. I do not remember. Like a a long dead

57:32

psychic or something like that. Long psychic. [laughter] A very long psychic. [gasps] The

57:38

most famous medium of all. Lenn Lenny the Lenny the length. They call [laughter] him

57:48

Long John Psychic. [laughter] That's what he was called. Oh,

57:52

we'll contact the dead. His head's in clouds. [laughter]

57:58

Like he's not focusing. We Hey, no. He's just really long. His head. His head's in heaven. I

58:06

just want to talk to my mom. [laughter] Hey, who you calling John? Who you calling long

58:13

neck? [laughter] [gasps] So, yeah. The hand itself is uh the right hand of a long dead

58:22

medium that's [laughter] been bombed. Whatever. Right. Um how tall was it? I don't know. It was

58:29

long. Very long. Very long. Uh yeah, you hold it, you say the magic words around it,

58:38

right? Or is it just gibberish? Yeah, it's sort of graffitied [ __ ] that kids have written on

58:43

it. just flavor text just to make it look more spooky. [laughter] Yeah, cuz cuz a

58:48

seven hand isn't spooky enough. Some kids have scribbled at all. Some kids have scribbled boo

58:57

and 666 on it. [laughter] Maybe maybe there's [snorts] a pentagram scribbled on there. Biggity

59:07

a ghost. Yeah. So it's scrolled with that. It don't mean anything. And it's just, yeah,

59:13

some kids got a [ __ ] tip. Tipex. Tipex. Yeah, why not? A Sharpie. Sharpie. That's the one I'm

59:20

looking for. The opposite of a tipex. [laughter] The greatest enemy of a tipex. The nemesis,

59:29

I think. Yeah. So, you hold the hand, you say, "Talk to me." Uh, a spirit at London will

59:36

uh show itself to you as if you were holding the spirit's hand. Yeah. Once you've made that

59:42

connection, you say, "I let you in." The spirit then has access to your body. Oh

59:49

yeah. You are now possessed by the uh spirit, right? If it goes on for more than 90 seconds,

59:56

the spirit will be uh attached to you. All right. Yeah. So, main character Mia. Mhm. Um,

1:00:07

she had all of it for like 9 [ __ ] three seconds, right? Which, granted is not much over the line,

1:00:14

but it's still over the line. Yeah. Can I just say before you go into the rest of the plot,

1:00:18

if you were at one of these house parties and witnessing this? [laughter] I already

1:00:23

know the question. Absolutely not. Let me finish. You're at one of these house parties, right? Oh,

1:00:29

yeah. Hang on. Let Let me just get into the mindset of it. Close my eyes. [laughter]

1:00:37

That's what it feels like. You're one of these house parties and then there's

1:00:42

a bunch you're witnessing this going on and then you don't know whether it's real or not,

1:00:47

which I imagine some of them. They've all tried it. It's real. It's like um it's like

1:00:50

a high. It's like a trip. It's like whoa. It's insane. Whatever. So, you try it once. Would you

1:00:56

do it a second time or would you just leave and never talk to any of those people ever again?

1:01:03

You know what? I don't know because I don't know how it feels like the way that it feels

1:01:11

or the way that they were portraying that it feels is this like in incredible [ __ ] rush.

1:01:17

I guess like it all of them are having the best time. Would you be would you have the

1:01:25

um bravery to even hold the hand and say talk to me in the first place after hearing what it is

1:01:31

and what has happened and everyone says it's true. [snorts] I think genuinely I think that it would

1:01:36

take me a lot to build up. I don't think I would I don't think I could. I'd be like no even then

1:01:42

I watch you guys do it. I would not I I absolutely would not say I let you in. Oh no. I'd say talk to

1:01:50

me as like a I want to experience what what what kind of thing everyone else is seeing. As soon

1:01:56

as as soon as you say that and you see like an actual [ __ ] spirit in front of you and you go,

1:02:01

"All right, I'm a spirit. I'm thinking you going to you going to let me in?" No. Just stay over

1:02:05

there. Stay away from my body. I'm I'm letting go now. Can you just let go? Do you have to say

1:02:11

let me in? You don't have to. What happens if you don't say let me in? Do people say that

1:02:15

or do they just look at it and then just let go? Well, towards the end of the movie, Mia make outer

1:02:23

uh was using the hand to talk to her mom, I think it was. Yeah. Yeah. [snorts] She was just having

1:02:31

the conversation with her. The whole I let you in thing is is just so that this can inhabit your

1:02:38

body. Cuz it feels good. [laughter] Yeah. Why not? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But as it's established, I guess

1:02:49

you can't just make a connection with a spirit at random and then just have a conversation. Pretty

1:02:57

coincidental that it just happened to be a dead mother out of all the spirits. Is that explained?

1:03:02

I can't remember. It's not explained, but it's implied. Is it cuz she died recently or No.

1:03:10

Something to do with a brother holding it as well? Did a little brother hold it as well? No. Oh. Uh,

1:03:16

I'm sure I remember a kid holding it that just could never like he held on to it for too long,

1:03:20

right? And then this kid was like comos for the rest of the film or I think of a different Yeah.

1:03:24

No, no, no. Yeah. Um, and they all have to like rush the hand to hospital to him or something.

1:03:30

Yeah. Well, it's been a while because he had hold of the hand for too long. Like they just couldn't

1:03:36

get the hand off off his [ __ ] grip. Yeah, he had that grip. a special grip that [laughter] I want.

1:03:43

But you're all thinking it. You know the grip. He had that grip. Special grip. [laughter] That's

1:03:48

all. That's all I'm saying. They know. [laughter] So, at the time it was 90 seconds. He had all of

1:03:57

it for 120. That's two whole minutes, right? Uh he is now long-term under the control of this

1:04:05

spirit that he let in. Yeah. Every time. Yeah. So he he tried to kill himself, right? Whilst

1:04:14

under the spirit's control. Oh, under the spirit's like I was going to say I thought he was a kid,

1:04:17

but yeah. Yeah. Try to kill himself because the whole thing about it is if you die whilst

1:04:24

under the influence, your soul will then be trapped with the rest of these spirits. Fair

1:04:30

enough. Yeah. Yeah. [laughter] That's the way it is. Uh the reason why I was saying that it's

1:04:37

implied about [clears throat] her mother, right? Um she's been seeing ghosts while not having hold

1:04:45

of the hand because again she had hold of it for too long, right? It's sort of implied. No,

1:04:51

I I think it's I think it's actually said that um once once they get in, they sort of know what

1:05:00

you're thinking, right? Like they have access to memories and [ __ ] like that. Fair enough. Um,

1:05:07

her mother. Mother. Yeah. Yeah. Wasn't her mother. Oh, none of this is ringing a bell. Well,

1:05:16

yeah. Yeah. It was another spirit of another Oh. pretending to be the face of the mother.

1:05:23

Right. Right. Yeah. That sense. So, this this other spirit was feeding her dud information.

1:05:30

Yeah. About what what she should do next. So she could be free as a whatever entity spirit she was.

1:05:39

Yeah. I think I think I think it's more about the uh child's soul finishing [clears throat] the job

1:05:45

or something like that. I remember the ending of the film being all like I remember watching the

1:05:49

ending and thinking, huh? Okay. Yeah. And that's where the ending left me cuz me dies in the end,

1:05:55

right? Yeah. [snorts] I just get hit by a car or something. Something you get hit save by a

1:05:59

car or something. Yeah. Exactly. Something super lame like that. But does she manage to clear all

1:06:04

the spirits from everything? Is it jobs a good or is it one of the ambiguous endings? It's sort

1:06:09

of ambiguous. Um, would you want a sequel? I wouldn't. Do you know what? I wouldn't mind

1:06:15

a sequel. I mean, I think The Hand is still out though. Yeah. It's one of those things where I'm

1:06:22

surprised it's not had a sequel cuz it came out a good few years back now. I think about

1:06:26

two or 3 years ago. And you think films like that are like easy to make, cheap, whatnot.

1:06:31

Yeah. Yeah. Crank out a sequel. Well, I I also respect them for not doing a sequel, [laughter]

1:06:39

but yeah, I I liked it. There's a lot of modern horror that there's a decent amount of uh suspense

1:06:45

that you don't get in modern horror. I think a lot of modern horror um and it's been this way

1:06:49

for the past [ __ ] decade, if not longer, just rely on jump scares or whatever. It's

1:06:54

just like and and and fake jump scares like it there'll be a buildup of suspense and it'll be a

1:07:01

cat jumping off a bookshelf, but then the sound will be massive symbols clanging together. So,

1:07:07

you're naturally going to jump. It's not scary. Nothing scary is going on. It's just a low

1:07:11

noise that startled you what shouldn't have been expected, though. A lot of horrors rely on those

1:07:17

cheap tricks. It is. It's a cheap trick. It is cheap horror. That's what And they're the horrors

1:07:23

I don't want you [laughter] to me. And they're the horrors I don't I don't vibe with cuz one, they

1:07:30

put me on edge and I get jump scared for no [ __ ] reason. Like nothing scary is happening. It's or

1:07:36

it's just a face really quick in your face and it's like kind of spooky. It's the uh equivalent

1:07:43

of someone just hiding around a corner. Like like if I was [laughter] the equivalent of spaghette

1:07:55

Oh my lord. Speaking of um spaghette. Yeah, that's what all the um mannequins in Silent Hill 2 remake

1:08:03

do. They hide in [ __ ] places and they are very noticeable. I cannot wait to play. But honestly,

1:08:09

it's after I can't wait to play all after a while. I have been like caught by a few of them,

1:08:13

especially when they've been off camera. I check my corners and stuff, but um sometimes

1:08:18

they literally hiding behind plan pots. They're hiding behind doors and they don't move. And

1:08:22

when they're not moving, your radio's not stat. Your radio's not going off cuz that's the thing,

1:08:26

your radio only goes static when the creatures are moving. But you might see a pear of legs.

1:08:31

Oh, [laughter] I see a pair of legs. You might see you might see a quart of legs [laughter] and then

1:08:38

you might like shoot it a couple times and it'll run off and then it'll just not be on screen and

1:08:43

you'll see it somewhere and it'll be trying its best to blend into the scenery and it does a piss

1:08:48

poor job of doing it cuz like it hides behind plant pots and desks. Sometimes it does a good

1:08:53

job of blending into the wall, but yeah, it's it's funny. It's more funny than it's spooky,

1:08:57

but that's something that I'd say the remake's not done well. The only thing about it,

1:09:02

there's too many of them and they are [ __ ] at hiding. [laughter]

1:09:08

What funny gripes is it? Is a funny grip. It's the only gripe, but everything else is

1:09:12

done really [ __ ] well. Like the first time you see Pyramid Head made me feel physically

1:09:18

ill. I just like cuz like I don't know if you remember from the original when you first see him

1:09:23

like he's just to quote Spongebob, he's just stood there menacingly. Yeah. You can't do anything

1:09:28

about it. But it's it's disgusting. And it's like I don't feel comfortable moving anywhere near you,

1:09:34

sir. Just don't dare. I know he's not going to do anything. You can get quite close to him as well

1:09:38

cuz he's behind um a gate in it. Oh yeah, he's just stood there and he looks really imposing.

1:09:45

It's done really well. And obviously the sound is amazing, but your radio is going off like

1:09:48

[ __ ] crazy. And you've still got to search some rooms and the radio's still going off. And I'd say

1:09:53

like in the floor when you first get to those apartments, the floor below, there's a certain

1:09:58

section when you're walking through it and you can hear like the sound change and it feels like like

1:10:04

metal scraping on metal and whatnot and it sounds like, oh, is this the first introduction of a kind

1:10:08

of kind of hearing before I can see him cuz it sounds like someone's dragging something heavy and

1:10:12

metal above you and it's just offputting. That's what I like. It's It's not comfortable to play,

1:10:19

but I I like it. It's cool. Have you ever seen another of a film on um It's on Netflix. It is

1:10:24

a Netflix. Oh, well I mean we should uh maybe we should wrap it up for the first episode. We're

1:10:30

wrapping it up. Yeah. Yeah. What time we on? Hour 10. Hour 10. [clears throat] My 10 if any. Your 10

1:10:39

hour 10. Your [laughter] 10. Yeah. [clears throat] Real quick. Yeah. [snorts] Give it to me. Heard of

1:10:44

a film called The Platform? I'll just give you the brief concept of it. Uh I'm not sure. Platform.

1:10:50

It's one of those concept horrors and I wouldn't even call it horror. It's more of a thought

1:10:54

experiment horror like sort of human centipede. It's good. I think it's foreign. Concept is so

1:11:00

there's this platform, right? And you're in this prison and this prison's like vertical

1:11:05

and it's just like I don't know 100 stories high. Oh yeah. Yeah. So on the top platform

1:11:12

there's a decagant meal, you know, it's high-end or Michelin star chef cooked it and everything.

1:11:19

And then there's people on like the outside of it. So as the platform reaches your level,

1:11:23

then you can eat. Platform gets lower and lower and lower. And the people at the very bottom just

1:11:28

get [ __ ] basically. Yeah. And I think the whole I can't remember it, but um people have got to

1:11:33

like either advance on the way up or climb out or you have to do things to get to a certain level.

1:11:38

Can't really remember what happens in it. Anyway, a sequel dropped the other day. I'm like, there's

1:11:43

a film there's a film that never needed a sequel. [laughter] But yeah, it just reminded me of like

1:11:48

the human centipede like cuz it's like good as an idea, but can you flesh it out to a sequel, you

1:11:56

know? Yeah. Yeah. I might give the sequel a watch cuz I did really enjoy the first one as like a

1:12:01

sort of huh interesting. I won't watch that again. But would you call it a horror? Cuz it's more of I

1:12:07

don't know. It's more of man hating on man sort of thing. [laughter] The ultimate villain. Man. Yeah,

1:12:16

man. Oh, man. Yeah, I have. I haven't [snorts] ever seen it. I haven't ever seen it. I ain't ever

1:12:22

not seen [laughter] nothing. God, I haven't seen the movie. Jimmy T. Did you [laughter] see Did

1:12:31

you see the guy with a gun? I ain't seen nothing. [laughter] I ain't never seen anything ever. Hey

1:12:38

which way did the killer go? [laughter] I never seen that movie. Um, yeah. I I don't I don't

1:12:46

know. Like it it didn't appeal. It It looked interesting. Interesting to me for me to think

1:12:54

I'll sit through that. Yeah. It was better. It's one of those films where it's better watching it

1:12:58

with someone like a partner or someone or a friend just so you can sit there and watch it cuz it's a

1:13:04

thought experiment movie and then to discuss it watching it on your own thinking, ah, I need to

1:13:12

talk to this about someone and there's no one around me. It's not a film you want to watch on

1:13:15

your own. It's a film to be discussed and I think that's why it exists. But yeah, that's spooky

1:13:22

horror films. Yeah, I really spoke about any traditional horror. No vampires or Frankensteines

1:13:29

We are We have time to knock another one out. Do you want to knock out a vampire? Do you want to

1:13:33

knock out a Frankenstein? Do you want to knock out an invisible man? You Joe Morgan, [laughter]

1:13:41

what what would Joe be? A vampire or a Franken? He'd be a Frankenstein. Oh,

1:13:44

definitely a Frankenstein. Definitely a scientist. [laughter] That's what he'd be. Frankenstein's

1:13:50

monster. [ __ ] hell. Did he ever get a name or was it just Frankenstein? Adam, would it? Oh,

1:13:57

[ __ ] I'm pretty sure it was Adam. It' make more sense if it would be Adam. Doesn't have the

1:14:01

same ring to it, does it? Oh, Adam. [laughter] Quick, get your torches and pitchforks. Adam's

1:14:10

the [laughter] what's that he's got behind him? An army of ants. [laughter] It's Adam any ants.

1:14:19

Oh my lord. Prince Charming. Prince Charming. [laughter] Ridicule is nothing to be scared of.

1:14:29

[laughter]

1:14:32

Kill it with fire. Oh my god. No,

1:14:36

you don't understand. He just wants to He just wants to sing. [laughter]

1:14:42

My god. That's it. That's our Frankenstein reboot. [clears throat] No, we can call it that. We can

1:14:48

call it um whatever time we're at. Yeah. Cool. Um yeah. Bye. [laughter] Get the [ __ ] out of here.

1:14:58

Yeah. Uh I've been Jack. I've been Mike. This has been uh Trapped in the Cube. Trapped in the cube.